scrupulosity

saner scrupulosity

2006-11-28T17:08:00.000-05:00

well today i went through an old deal i picked up from going to church.while passing the book section at the store i looked right at the word witch on a book.this started off catastrophic thinking for me,because it was not until church that i thought witches had power and harry potter could influence kids into sorcery and all that crap.but my magical thinkng and church didnt mix.it made me worse.more superstitious and avoidant of evil things that are really harmless.j

off meds

2006-09-24T23:47:00.000-04:00

hello all.i am just learning to make decisions for myself.ive gone along with the doctors for 11 years.ive decided that i wont take anymore anti-psychotics from now on.they do not work for my pureo ocd.i would rather just live out my life without any side effects.i will continue to take zoloft and clonazapam for depression and anxiety.but the anti-psychotics just make me feel weird,and now that im avoiding any coincidence, ill just have to work them out naturally.i can recognize my ocd repetitive thoughts now, so ill just turn them over to god.they will linger,some for life maybe,but anti-psycotics arent for me.thank god for anti-anxiety pills.
i think i can trace everything back to magical thinking.this is a great thing to remember,the tremendous blow superstition can have on a person.it will leave you paralized.i want no more of it.j

you were drawing coincidences,i was drawing parallels

2006-09-22T20:20:00.000-04:00

these are the lyrics in a goo goo dolls song i dug.im looking at this form of ocd like its a mathematical problem we have cause probability,fate and chance play such a role in the magical thinking.
for example,when i thought i turned into someone like the guy in my last post,it was all based around coincidence.even parallels, when i didnt want to be even with him as i was throwing my cup out.so coincidences and parallels play a part in thinking ocd.it also shows itself when people have to tap one side of and object as evenly as the other.symmetry.thats mathematical isnt it?
anyway, i missed school two days due to sleep deprivation caused by stress.then i thought i turned into another guy last night due to more of the same coincidental thinking.i made it to school today,so my ocd said see you were that guy for two days cause you missed school the same two days you thought you were him.it made me want to miss school today,just so i could prove the theory wrong.its not even backed up by any thought out reasoning,because i think the kid had a good attendance record.he was in another class of mine and had good attendance.
so ive been stuck on this mental problem the last 3 days.its like a math problem in my head,only with chance.j

repulsion

2006-09-19T21:49:00.000-04:00

hey all.ive noticed alot of ocd is based around repulsion.not wanting to turn into someone else is just that i am repulsed by that person in some way.then if i add coincidences to it it makes it worse,as in pureo's case.
today i was in the library and thought i saw this guy who is nerdy.i didnt think anything of it until i gabbed my coffee cup and saw him take a drink from his.then my ocd said i will be him from now on.i even had a problem throwing the cup away, because i didnt want it to match up evenly where he was sitting.i play endless magical thinking games like this with my ocd.the end result is loosing myself to someone else, or some kind of condemnation,whether it be to another person or just for eternity.so ill purposely not act nerdy for awhile.act real cool.lol.i think im beyond that now that im so sick.
anyway,thats how all my magical thinking got started when i was in 8 th grade.i was repulsed by a guy in band and my ocd said i would turn into him.something happened at 44 minutes after the hour and ive been avoiding the number ever since.
so next time you have an incident,check and see if repulsion has anything to do with it.j

scrupulosity

2006-08-27T22:47:00.000-04:00

i have found that scrupulosity is not just religious.it can be very scrupulous avoidance of something bad.our ocd minds can pick out various things to be scrupulous about.for example,if one gets obsessed with their hair they can scrupulously comb it,wash it,ect.it just becomes ocd when magical thinking is involved.[if i dont brush my hair to the left, catastrophy will occur].otherwise people are just considered obsessive and compulsive,not having ocd.having ocd is when these things leave one paralized in fear,unable to let go.i start school tommorrow and need to let go of much ocd thinking to make it through.prayer seems to be the only way to get through the day.j

Omega-3

2006-08-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

Take omega-3 with after eating protein it may help do not take it before or it will just flush right out of ur system. My mri came out clean guess i'm just anxious all the time which is causing the headaches. I'm at a lost for words right now hopefully someone or something can fill the void.

gratitude

2006-08-21T00:51:00.000-04:00

hey all you bloggers.its amazing weve kept this blog going,i guess it pays to be so sick. lol.i thought id write a little on gratitude,since i dont have enough of it.i had to humble myself even more this passed week by applying for section 8 housing.i guess i was alright by receiving disability payments,but once i applied for section 8 i bottomed out.i should be so grateful for the assistance,but my pride still gets in the way.i am grateful for the assitance,and believe that we all are humbled by our disability,whatever it may be.its a game of cat and mouse,on one hand acting as if your ok and striving to do your best,and the other hand knowing the horror of ocd.im keeping a journal to keep things in perspective.one day itll bother me and another it wont to be on disability.i know most people say just be glad for the help,but i like so many others fall into the trap of trying to be self-reliant and self-made men/women.with it so easy to feel sorry for oneself and hate having a disability,gratitude is hard to come by.j

paralysis

2006-08-18T21:22:00.000-04:00

hello all.i think ive never been quite as paralized as i was today.well i have been, but it just seems that way.my ocd took advantage of a game that i play.as you know i have all kinds of negative thoughts concerning the number 44.well,this time it was the number 45.i ordered a new keyboard for my computer and when i hung up the phone,i said i bet its 44 after the hour.it was 45 after,and immediatly my negative ocd thinking kicked in.it said i would be a success from here on out,rather than doomed.now,this was different from the past.a new fear of success rose up in me.i became obsessed with everything going right after i got the new keyboard.i know how dumb it sounds,but the fear of success/failure theme became overwhelming.it reminds me of when i was younger and would challenge my instincts and go against them on purpose,just to see what would happen.i am just screwed up.i pray this passes,without getting into a long discussion of christianity.j

fear of coincidence

2006-08-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

i just wanted to write some on the amazing amount of coincidences that occur and how the negative ocd thought that goes along with them, subconsciously or consciously, looks for them.
our ocd thought is usually negative and repugnant.mine is usually bad luck from this point on.
for example,tonight ive ordered a pizza.no big deal right.but already ,while watching a baseball game,ive heard many commercials for pizza.buffalo wild wings was advertized and i ordered buffalo pizza.the second thing i noticed was a commercial coming on and it was about a pizza delivery,including the doorbell ringing.i was just praying the delivery of my pizza didnt coincide with the commercial.if the doorbells rang at the same time i would have been frozen in ptsd fear.then ,of course,i would wonder about the probability of such a thing happening being so amazing,it would just blow my mind.the pizza arrived a little later,but it was a close call to panic attack.
the worst thing about this is it can happen at anytime,and i could go into a state of ptsd shock at any time.this makes me very unstable.
if only the coincidence could be a good omen,my whole attitude and outlook on life would change.j

Physical and mental Pain

2006-08-03T20:27:00.000-04:00

Ok...I have a sharp pain shooting in the right side of my brain. i saw a doctor about this and he put me on topamax. It was embarrasing to tell the general physician I think about being a retarted girl for all eternity. Don't know if it will help but its for atypical migraines. its also used off label to treat ptsd. I just hope this crap works. My headaches are worse than ever. Im gonna get an mri and blood test as well. But the whole coincidence thing that happened 3 years ago is all what is behind the anxiety i still believe. If only it never happened. Well guess what it did. I played into the devil's game inadvertantly. Well i dont believe in the devil i believe that the devil is our evil inclination and when we think negative thoughts we can just screw ourselves over with external events. There are no coincidences in life. What happened was has already taken place in the world of the Supreme Being. I dont want to give up on life, im fighting this but how much can I fight myself before I crack. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while i have been busy at work and too depressed to even tallk about this but i feel its time to do some venting. My sex drive is very low and that can be caused due to stress or a number of factors such as med (ssris, benzos). Embarrasing to talk about eh. Well i dont give a crap anymore. try to take care of your own issues. I'm still coping on mine. And remember there is no magical cure just pray to the one above and try to keep a positive frame of mind despite all the negative that is up there in your head. pz out ~ pureo

more help

2006-07-21T04:10:00.000-04:00

hello all-hope you are enduring.i pray that many of you will take the time to read at least the authors writings of the previous post hyperlink.i know there are too many quotes from the bible,but i think it alleviates our ocd/scrupulosity issues.especially for those of us with some christian background.for those of us with eternal misery issues it says alot.we will all find a need to repent and find the lord.it takes away the issue of eternal punishment/all merciful god apparent contradiction.in the end we will all bow down from our torment and praise the lord.
we will all go to heaven and it is never too late,no matter what coincidences,magical thinking,or anything else our ocd and religious teachings have disillusioned us.j

some help

2006-07-19T06:08:00.000-04:00

i found this good article on how hell doesnt exist by a christian.its long but very good.
http://www.sigler.org/slagle/absolute.htm

Echos

2006-07-18T05:35:00.000-04:00

I'ts 2:30am, Tuesday morning the 18th of July 2006. I'm sitting in bed listening to my ipod, and I can't stop ruminating over my past with all my failures and it keeps me from being able to sleep tonight and lastnight too. I can't escape the thought that there is always a consequence for a bad decision in life and it drives me crazy and I keep wondering how things coulda been different had I done this or that. People always tell me that they don't live with any shame or regret and to me it's either because everything has always gone right for them or they have always been able to control things into place which would infer that they have nothing to regret or be shameful of....either way it's stupid advice to hear someone say you shouldnt live with regret or shame. I know thats true, dont you think id choose to live without it if I could? How do u begin down the road of positive thinking when u have been predispositioned to be on the defensive your entire life...fuck I don't even know where I'm going with this. Maybe I'm too dang proud and too sensitive at the same time. One day I'm gonna die and I pray that when that day comes I atleast have a sense of what the heck is going on.

pain of the heart and mind

2006-07-14T00:36:00.000-04:00

pain
of the heart
and mind
how can one be
so blind

to the joys of the world
being tangled up in curls
of ideaology and religion
when the heart longs for
simple peace
and fullfillment

stuck
on one thought
one fear
one ideaology
ahhh to be free

from fear that runs
so deep
as to our eternal destiny
when all we want is
peace

not confusion and
pain
of figuring out and
choosing
our domain

god set us free of our fear of
one thought
one not ought
to experience this
terrifying lot

humble pie

2006-07-12T05:13:00.000-04:00

well,this is a moment of humble pie.i know im licked,and can only turn things over to a simple god.no fundamentalism,no communion with god books,no ocd books,nothing.j

more bablle from the couch

2006-07-09T00:24:00.000-04:00

hey all!!well,ive learned a thing or two,but will i remember,lol.i think having a mental disorder just makes a difficult life more difficult.i have learned that things do go wrong,and especially if you buy something it doesnt last forever.i have to have money set away for the car breaking down,this week i had to pay for computer fixes.and my big fat ass broke my beloved office chair.gotta buy a new one.phone,ditto.furniture ,ditto.[thanks patty].ect.
but with a mental illness,it doesnt stop here.my catastrophic thinking said'from here on out,after breaking the chair,everything will go wrong.'then on top of that my ocd kicked in.i read the word 'setup'after breaking the chair,and like a computer my ocd said'now if someone comes over and says 'nice setup' in my apartment all hell will break loose.hopefully i will forget it,but if i dont i will go into a trance.to show how weird this is ,as i typed forget,the cure song i was listening to said 'ill remember everything.'im really wondering if what im doing is sick or really happening.it doesnt seem like a delusion.ah well,ive also learned to appreciate the time people spend typing on the computer,lol pz j

just perspective

2006-06-29T04:44:00.000-04:00

hey fellow ocd revelers,,,ah computer glitches.i could think its a demon,but c,mon.its just a computer glitch.everything is not magical.much is based on sound thinking.our ocd sets us up with unsound thinking and we stay stuck in the riddle we have concocted our mind.i was telling a friend today that i needed to bondo my car.i have two rust holes in the doors.i didnt want to fill the holes because id be symetrically between them.he pointed out i was between them anyway.duh.hello!im typing through a comp glitch so ill let this go for now,but just remember our minds produced this inter-dialoge ,and can unproduce it.WE HAVE TO LEARN TO LET GO,JUST AS I NEED TO NOW,J

sorry?

2006-06-26T05:24:00.000-04:00

hello fellow ocd sufferers.i am not sorry for airing out my wildest ocd thoughts here.that is what pure-o can do to you.im hoping and will be praying that looking at my sick thoughts can pull some of you out of yours in some way.it truly is an open forum.stuckinadoorway.org will always be the hub,but this page is meant for fallout ocders who think their case is unique ,and therefore,hopeless.its the nature of the analitical disease we have to set us up into a unique corner to let us die there.much like alcoholism.many of us turned to the bottle for relief of our stresses from ocd.i know i did,cause it would wipe out the ocd thought a little.so please post a comment,i dont bite.lol.j

paradox

2006-06-24T20:01:00.000-04:00

paradox
in a box
one way to faith
or many

one is safe
the other plenty
i like em both
security at one opinion
insecurity of open
mind

is the open-mind closed
and the closed mind open
its a riddle
and we like the riddle
dont we

the power of free will
and choice
just to be chastised
for the 'wrong' choice'?
how fucked is that?

hart like a rat
heart like a sack of
dripping constapation
good way to start the conversation

cant be condemed or we just rebel
and the need for justice
why cant i make up my mind
or do i not want it made up

a poem away from reality

as the world sleeps i stay insane

2006-06-24T04:46:00.000-04:00

hello all.well i couldnt sleep so i decided to go out and buy an album at wal-mart at 330 in the morning.i noticed on the album one of the songs was 444 long,but i didnt mind much.knew it was just my fear of a number.i knew ,though when i bought the album,it would be close to 444.,which it is as i type this according to one clock.so i knew id freak at 444 on something.this is it,that i typed that at 444.
now,i know that being afraid of a number is common in ocd,so its cool.im listening to 'the cure'like all the other freaks,yeah!and heres one for ya,most the stuff at advanced auto is priced with 44 or 88 cents for some reason.and wal-mart uses 88 cents alot.the album was 1488.so there are all these derivatives that associate with the number of choice.its all got to do with probability stats.but what a mess of thought to get mixed up in.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!why cant i be you.j

smart enough to know im sick

2006-06-22T06:37:00.000-04:00

what a fucked up disorder.think about it.it hides itself and we hide it,like we should be ashamed of it.then,its not even visible,and if you can articulate to some degree ,your considered smart while having this shit.lol.al li know is the more i know ,the more i realise i dont know shit.
so im going to do the smart thing and go on section 8 housing.then i bet people will think im a genious.lol.an idiot savant with no skills lol.my mind and opinions change like the wind,in a world that values close-mindedness of all types,including religion.
this disease is just plain screwed.j

wow

2006-06-16T09:30:00.000-04:00

hello.as im writing this my ocd has me convincd im another guy,[the loosing my self to others delusion] .im not feeling too positive,just in limbo.the problem lies in making desicions.when im ok i can do ok,but when im not, i cant tell people i can do things for them and then have an attack, and not show up.his leaves me with more guilt,as i say ,i could have willed it.i honestly think it would just be easier to be disabled in a cleaner form.like retarded or something.then people would know what to expect of me,and i of myself.j

spiritual clarity

2006-06-15T08:38:00.000-04:00

hello.hope everyone is doing well,even though we havent heard from you.thank you bekah, for your comment.this is like aa for me,where if you connect with just one fellow sufferer, and know you share the same dilemma,it is very joyous to realize you are not alone.with a disorder of this type,its hard to verbalize what is going on inside us.
i was thinking this morning that this pure-o ocd seems to revolve around perfectionism.not perfectionism in a normal sense,but in a spiritual sense.i think the reason i avoid symmetry is that somehow i feel its like getting a smudge on my shirt.i feel i need to avoid symmetry in order to stay perfect. something spiritual is usually the context of what im afraid of.loosing my soul,changling type stuff,ect.its all about maintaining my imagined perfctionism and uniqueness.a strange twist of thinking ,for whatever reason,seems to leave me set up for a fall.symmtetry,or order,normalcy,has never been my goal.i always wanted to do special things.unique things.magical things.so the idea for me is to move through coincidences without finding deep, negative thinking and symbolism to them.unfortunatly,this crosses over into spiritual things and themes,which easily can leave one perplexed at the apparent paradoxes and such.so spiritual clarity is hard to attain,but possible.j

hope it hyperlinks

2006-06-09T19:45:00.000-04:00

yada yada yada
same shit ,more disturbing night.my subconscious is putting things together at rapid fire rate,leaving me very afraid.i think im afraid of loosing my uniqueness and becoming at one with everything.heres some info:

http://bossavit.com/thoughts/archives/000749.html

i dont know,a firewall must be blocking the usual automatic hyperlink-which ads to my frustration.anyhow,live and learn.j

racing thoughts

2006-06-09T04:15:00.000-04:00

hello all.do you get racing thoughts?i do.i stayed up all night last night,thinking and dwelling about jesus being the only way to god.the result was i couldnt clean a pool.was offered a pool cleaning job ,but my motivation to work is gone.i don't want to have this ocd and work at the same time.im willing to go to school,but in my off hrs. i prefer to just do little things.clean the car,laundry, shopping,reading.im tired of trying to do too much,due to mental strain.this leaves a certain guilt,but im tired of feeling guilty about having this disease.
im tired of putting so much energy into thinking, and at the same time have appetites for knowledge that i like to indulge in.i liked in the movie,'a beautiful mind',the line he says"we've got to watch our appetites."the mind can have appetites for knowledge,but with diseases like this we have to find our spirituality.its really a good thing i guess.j

Hey everyone

2006-06-09T03:19:00.000-04:00

Jeff be online more bro... Newayz found a link that might interest you and calm your nerve hopefully http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coincidences
If anyone has a problem and would like to share we would be happy to help and discuss issues with you. This site is for anyone with fear of life after death religious sins etc. Feel free to comment as we have not been getting many as of late.

If you feel you are suffering for no reason

2006-06-06T22:58:00.000-04:00

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

ahhh 6/6/06

2006-06-06T06:36:00.000-04:00

well the day has come where this superstitious fear wells up for many with ocd.many are even afraid to go out on a day like today,with its 'mark of the beast 'number showing up heres a little webpage on superstition and religion.
hope it hyperlinks
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/14339a.htm

i hate being this superstitious and this number comes from Christianity and scrupulously makes me avoid it.i want to avoid the whole day.they say on the link that too much superstition is a sin and not enough is also bad.lolthis is the ocd/scrupulosity at its best.its like being afraid of harry potter,or end times,or halloween.which do have certain historical and sorcery themes.the question is is this subjective truth all bullshit or is there some truth to it.i dunno,but i pray we all make it through this trigger day without too much anxiety.j

forgive me

2006-06-05T03:57:00.000-04:00

hello all.please forgive me in my quest to understand the root problem,my problem.since we dont have any comments,i feel im alone other than pureo,so what the hell.lol.
i started thinking,"why set ourselves up with a thought,dare it to come true,and then act as if theres no way out.this is insanity.but i have done it since i was a kid.i remember thinking one day"what if i went against my natural instincts.?this was like in 8 grade.i challenged my own thinking.and i did some things opposite as i would have on purpose.that ended up being dumb,and i learned to listen to your hunches.
now,being polluted by the adult world we live in,i have a hunch.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Determinism

sorry if it doesnt come up as a hyperlink.computer glitch.

i ask my self ,what makes a coincidence the end all in proof of an arguement.i am a quasi-philosophy student ,and i hunched on determinism.i apologize for being so out here in left field,but hey,im bored as shit.the philosophy of determinism has something to do with it.im gunna ask a prof tommorrow.pz j

searching for this lol

2006-06-04T02:53:00.000-04:00

Overall, superstitions are based on coincidence and magical thinking, not on any fact or truth. While they sometimes can be amusing, and certainly add flavor to imaginary worlds, it is worth examining any you might hold yourself so that you can see them for what they are, and not be limited by them.j

Site for Nutrition

2006-06-03T19:09:00.000-04:00

http://www.ocd-free.org/

Im gonna give this a try hope it works

It would be nice if people would respond to this site, or at least click on ads for support. The more feedback the better and it is therapuetic for everyone.

let go

2006-06-03T18:08:00.000-04:00

hello all.hope your all doing ok.i had to not go to the bookstore i volunteered for because i was matching very small coincidences and becoming terrified.iv looked for examples of this all over the web,but feel im losing hope.other than its some reverse symmetry going on.it has probably how i viewed the world for a long time and now its just at its peek.there are many connections going on all the time,but tell my ocd that.!i feel like mines more like an avoidant aggressive personality like pete rose has.in short,i freak when things get normal lol.j

the incident

2006-06-02T05:55:00.000-04:00

heres one i know pureo can relate to. http://www.epinions.com/content_3284050052
it talks about 'the event' or 'the incident' that makes up a thought that wont leave your mind.i thought i was coming up with these words lol.and i was ,as i tried to help pureo.but it all amounts to us not being crazy,just having ocd,which makes us live crazed lives.i chose the article because it is titled 'obsessing over ocd',which i am obviously doing cause i feel better when i try to find answers sometimes.god bless j

more investigation

2006-06-01T19:54:00.000-04:00

well i found something on a site that dealt with 'the phenomenon'of my kind of'delusional thinking'

esides the negative synchronicity that I mentioned earlier, I've also had weird synchronicity since way back. For example, I distinctly remember the fact that a high school teacher verbalized a very unusual word at the exact same time that I'd just been thinking it. I've had many such experiences throughout my life, causing me more over-stimulation than I could handle. Recently, a guy phoned Evelyn Paglini, a guest on the Art Bell show, about this same exact phenomenon of bad luck followed by weird synchronicity. I felt such an overwhelming feeling of validation when I heard him, & Evelyn's taking it in stride, as par for the course! I also had many instances of synchronicity which would mislead me to believe, "Ah... this is meant to be," only to have my balloon deflated upon realizing that path led nowhere.

i dont really believe,or maybe i do,that bad luck or condemnation are caused by synchronicity.my ocd seems to think so and ill ruminate on it.but its nice to see other people experienced the same phenomenon-which is weird synchronicity.weird synchronicity ocd.j

let me finish

2006-05-31T03:43:00.000-04:00

this is interesting

or in ndeed a surprise to Surrealists. The latter in particular believed that 'coincidences', so deadIy to the psychotic mind and so relentlessly numerous in delusion are attuned to man's sub-jectivity and that there are links between chance and the unconscious. The 'marvellous' was defined by them in this way [4, p. 125]. I would say that 'the terrible' could also be so defined.

i find this interesting and would like to study the surrealists beliefs,cause we all know how surreal ocd is j

cut and paste

2006-05-31T03:17:00.000-04:00

well i took some exerpts from this intellectual mumbo jumbo and pasted them together.i feel these sentences explain somewhat the fear of improbability of coincidence that leaves us paralized.i asked my math teacher today about the probability aspect of pure-o ocd,he thought it was nuts !lol here goes
'This would account for the dread-ful sense of inescapable destiny that 'meaningful coincidences' cause and that drives so many to self-destruction in so-called delusional episodes.'
that exerpt right there hits the nail on the head as far as what i have been experiencing.this is what i talked about when speaking of 1.ocd/delusional thought 2.coincidence occuring at same time 3.final verdict of condemnation/bade fate.
quite simply,as with the age old example,'step on a crack,break your mothers back,'the ocd/delusional thinking is that stepping on a crack will somehow magically'break your mothers back'.where this delusional thought comes from is the 'ocd logic'generator.what puts these 'irrational fears'in our minds we don't know.
then there is the meaningful coincidence of stepping on a crack
followed by the dreadful,inescapable,destiny of having stept on a crack and not able to do an 'undoing ritual'
i cant stress it enough :
ocd thought+coincidence=bade fate

when we overcome this,we will overcome ocd.j

throwing intellectual paint at the wall

2006-05-30T05:13:00.000-04:00

no ,i havent lost it and comprehend this stuff.but i know it has something to do with the pureo dilemma.

The Ground of Meaning

In madness, as in poetry, there is still the urge to think even at the edges of experience. It is salutary perhaps that the psychotic and the mystic are allied as this evidences a symmetry in the views of what is the case from 'Heaven'and from 'Hell'. However the seeming orchestration of the terrible phenomena of insanity, which have their power to destroy only because of their felt meaning suggests that a deep 'semantic ground' (eventuating via brains) may underpin the concrete events of daily life, a ground which can be accessed in immediate experience not only in the tranquillity of meditation but in extreme mental states. Our language of 'probabilities', 'forces', 'particles' and so on could well describe epiphenomena of a hermeneutic substrate [1, pp. 94-5]. This would account for the dread-ful sense of inescapable destiny that 'meaningful coincidences' cause and that drives so many to self-destruction in so-called delusional episodes.

The 'Marvellous'

Such a claim, though outrageous to science, coming. would be little surprise either to Jungians with their belief in synchronicity and in the dove-tailing of the psychological and the physical in 'the psychoid' and 'the continuum' realms nor indeed a surprise to Surrealists. The latter in particular believed that 'coincidences', so deadIy to the psychotic mind and so relentlessly numerous in delusion are attuned to man's sub-jectivity and that there are links between chance and the unconscious. The 'marvellous' was defined by them in this way [4, p. 125]. I would say that 'the terrible' could also be so defined.

fishing around same ol crud

2006-05-30T03:57:00.000-04:00

According to Frazer, magical thinking depends on two laws: the law of similarity (an effect resembles its cause), and the law of contagion (things which were once in physical contact maintain a connection even after physical contact has been broken). Others have described these two laws as examples of "analogical reasoning" (rather than logical reasoning).

Typically, people use magic to attempt to explain things that science has not yet explained, or to attempt to control things that science cannot. The classic example is of the collapsing roof, described in E. E. Evans-Pritchard's Witchcraft, Magic, and Oracles Among the Azande, in which the Azande claimed that a roof fell on a particular person because of a magical spell cast by another person. The Azande did understand a scientific explanation for the collapsing room (that termites had eaten through the supporting posts), but pointed out that this scientific explanation could not explain why the roof happened to collapse at precisely the same moment that the particular man was resting beneath it. Thus, from the point of view of the practitioners, magic explains what scientists would call "coincidences" or "contingency". From the point of view of outside observers, magic is a way of making coincidences meaningful in social terms. Carl Jung coined the word synchronicity for experiences of this type.

Adherents of magical belief systems often do not see their beliefs as being magical. In Asia, many coincidences and contingencies are explained in terms of karma in which a person's actions in a past life affects current events.

perseverance

2006-05-29T17:47:00.000-04:00

perseverence builds character.we have no choice but suicide other than perseverance.im going to persevere.im going through trials now.i took a math exam online and failed it,probably setting me down another course level.THE PROBLEM WAS AS I WAS TAKING THE TEST I HAD OCD/DELUSIONAL THOUGHT,AND I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH THIS AFFECTED MY CONCENTRATION.IM SURE I MISSED A FEW MORE,BUT WOULD HAVE FAILED ANYWAY.Fail forward my brother says.dont be afraid of failure.this is where the boys become the men.living with ocd,wanting toBLAME our failures on ocd,ect.wondering why if there is a god of mercy that we dont get comments on our site.it all has to do with ACCEPTANCE of the situation.which does not mean we try to stop getting better,but applying a spiritual principle to our circumstances.our only comfort comes from SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES.i am grateful for this site and my new friends.i wish more folks would join in.pz j

hopelessness

2006-05-27T22:24:00.000-04:00

well my heart goes out to pureo ,whos having a real tough go of it.see,no mater what this ocd is trying to be treated with,spirituality,jesus,psychotherapy,meds,ect.the simple fact is the THOUGHT JUST WONT GO AWAY.this is especially hard on an intelligent,capable person,without the tormenting intrusive thought.id like to say that i do get some benefit by reading spiritual books that teach you to let go of your blockages to god.its all new to me,even though i bible studied and aa for some time,i never really got the message.and that message is god is in control and even though we believe ocd logic ,it is subjective.god is objective truth and sees we are believing lies of the mind that have been reienforced by outside SYMMETRICAL EVENTS.
i feel completly alone ,besides pureo,in this dillemma.j
would somebody please comment,i need feedback.thank you.j

powerlesness

2006-05-26T19:50:00.000-04:00

yes,we are powerless over the ocd/delusion.we must always remember god is soveriegn and sees right through our subjective,fate obssesed,constant twisting of the mind.mine thinks its some sort of genius.i noticed today that im terrified and obsessed with symmetry.where most ocder's are thinking symmetry is good,my form says its bad.ill ALWAYS TRY TO AVOID SYMMETRY if i see it taking place in my daily wanderings.i feel it has tremendous power.i think its godlike.i have to remember i am playing god with this.if an incident happens,ive got to let it go,and not give it a meaning of finality.sorry,just having a weird night.whats new lol j

feeling alone

2006-05-23T23:05:00.000-04:00

http://www.angriesout.com/grown22.htmhello.i came across this site in my archives and thought it was good for fear.i had a dream about my father .he is 84 and im afraid that when he passes ,i wont have the strength to go on.with ocd life fears are multiplied because we know that normal,fear causing events are exabberated by having ocd on top of them.
i also dont understand why there arent more postings on the site.i know when i found pureo it was a god thing,and cory too.feedback from some of our viewers is needed for my own recovery,so please ,if you can take a little time,let us know your out there struggling with irrational beliefs that seem logical.thanks!j

keep bloggin

2006-05-23T07:50:00.000-04:00

yo.i started my day with some prayer and meditation.i have to follow the aa big book because it breaks down the christian principles to live by. I type that in italics because it is easy for me to overanalize Christianity,and i need a faith that works. I believe that i am dual-diagnosed,with both recovery from alcoholism and from ocd/delusional thinking.people like this need to not wrestle with theological concepts ,but rather,put simple concepts to use.i find the twelve steps a good way to get that spiritual and vital aspect to our recovery from a cunning,baffling,disease called OCD.i recommend anyone with ocd read alcoholics anonymous or a dual diagnosed 12 step book.even if your not an alcoholic,it can be of some use.i know well the analysis paralasis tht ocd gets us stuck into.there is some need for this to understand the underlying fears that accompany ocd,but a spiritual way of life can pull us out.not religion,for it causes ocd symptoms to flare up,but rather the spiritual inside work needed to be done.not outside adherence to when to recite a prayer and such.j

alcoholism vs ocd

2006-05-22T00:43:00.000-04:00

i think ocd is like alcoholism.if i dont get help for my alcoholism,then i die.if i dont get help for ocd,i guess i can be committed.they both go beyond intelligence and logic.a spiritual program is needed of some sorts to recover.i gotta start summer school today,shit.i feel so damn apathetic.i may have to take some time off.dunno.anyone with ocd please leave a comment on this site.we need support from fellow type-o sufferers.thanks.j

sad but true

2006-05-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

hello.well ive been listening to aa 12 step tapes and talking about god with my sponsor.i hate to say it,but i dont think we will ever figure out the ocd incidents in our lives.the best we can come up with is to turn it over to our higher power.ive gotten so hypervigilant that its on a ptsd level.when i went to post this,a barry bonds picture was on the yahoo screen.hes broken the home run record of babe ruth.i had a dream about him breaking the record a few days ago.my hypervigilance was telling me not to post because the space we type in matched up with the space the article was.im really scared now to type this.
but i have to say TAF,and let the coincidences go by like water off a ducks back.this is very hard because i feel like a cop who is not doing his duty and looking the other way.
for me the solution is to say TAF,know that god is sovereign and not my obssession,and let go. a spiritual program is available to us to live with our disorder.ocd anonymou.unfortunately groups do not exist much.i do go to a dual diagnosis anonymous meeting occaisionally,but school interferes.
our ocd thinking brings us to dead end condemnation.
our spiritual thinking should set us free.j

mental masturbation

2006-05-20T04:31:00.000-04:00

OCD is nothing more than mental masturbation.it demands our allegiance and claims all sovereignty.this is evil.pure and simple.yes,we cannot escape its grip,but we can get more objective and active,as this blog demonstrates.it takes incredible courage to live with this disease.i commend pureo and colby for their activism.we will not give up our fight to give up this disease[love that paradox].it is obvious this is a disease of FAITH.we need to develop a faith that overcomes the condemning ocd.we dont need to go ballistic religion.we need a simple faith that works.with ocd ,we can misinterpret religion and feel condemned.this is not what Jesus would want.or Moses ,or Muhammad, or just plain god.when god is our sovereign,the ocd loses its sovereign power over us.i am going to pray for objectivity.and a special note to pureo,i know your case and can see the puzzle.i know it seems like your stuck in the event.boxed in.my heart goes out to you,bud ,cause i understand the tricky,cunningness of ocd.its as bad as alcoholism.but may we never give up hope for clarity with our faith.it will sustain us.j

onward christian soldiers

2006-05-18T22:37:00.000-04:00

hello all.hows the ocd?let us know how your doing.
i went to the store today and used the TAF method when i was readding'4 for 99 cents'and a lady said it at the exact same time.my ocd/delusion would tell me i turned into her due to the coincidence.but now that ive figured out the formula,i can be more objective and say'oh,it was just TAF,which works better for me than just saying 'its my ocd'.ive really had to raise my cognitive awareness that its a delusional thought combining with an outside coincidental action,that is at the core of it.i was able to 'let go' and it was a good feeling.
i did ,however,avoid buying a shakable flashlight.you shake it and it lights up,without batteries.i guess there new on the market.i thought this SYMBOLIZED that my life would be all shook up if i bought it and i couldnt use the TAF ritual to get through it.so ill have to be more cognitively aware of my adding symbolic metaphors now ,also.
i apologize for the sarcastic title of the post,but christianity has fueled some of my ocd so i get bitter.go bless,lol j

final verdict

2006-05-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

hello all.i just realized that my thinking is constantly trying to avoid bad fate and condemnation.[thought].it is activated by something external,like a magic number.(for example when i was typing this an outside source,the radio,mentioned magic number refering to babe ruths 714 magic homerun number.)for eample,i wouldn't want to type that word'magic number'[action]because my ocd /delusion will have condemnation ruminating in my mind.
this TAF (thought action fusion) can be demonstrated with the age old ocd phenomenon of 'stepping on a crack,break your mothers back)is a good example.the [action] is stepping on a crack,the [thought] is negative fate of breaking mothers back.of course,people that dont step on cracks sometimes dont just to avoid bate fate.
if i say TAF as a ritual when this occurs,it provides that 'shift in gears'of thought that the book 'brainlock' suggests in its 'four steps.'
the difference with pure-o is that it is a mental ocd [thought] fused with the [action] of an outside event.[for me,coincidence and symbolism]
now,i know trying to understand where im coming from is really hard.i dont want to scare
people away from the site cause im working on my own theory.but i hope my searching might spark something in someone suffering from pure-o/delusional thinking.it is very terrifying to go
through my avoidance ritual,because i know if i don't do the avoidance ritual,i will be in a
miserable state of depressive rumination.
in short,im not really talking of TAF in terms that it was used in previous articles we found on it.but those TAF articles sparked something in me.a drowning man.i hope that my postings are like art,throwing paint against a wall ,and hoping something will stick and spark someone who is suffering and searching.j

spirituality

2006-05-16T21:48:00.000-04:00

hello all.had a day spent sleeping mainly.not much else to do.tonight im reading a book on spiritual blindness.i think the ocd/delusional thinking is caused by a type of spiritual reasoning that gets its wires crossed with ocd.ocd has spiritual themes of eternity and 'possesion'themes of turning into somebody else.it is a spiritual disase,and even christianity supports my ocd obsession with blessings and cursings.attaining perfection is also a spiritual theme.i know because i was an addict to alcohol that it is the spiritual that will sve us,along with the psychological.what works for me the last few days has been saying"TAF,(thought,action, fusion)when i have the action of a coincidence fused with the delusional thought of my ocd.this enables me to shift gears in my mind to get over my fear of change and following ruminating.i know it sounds crazy,but it seems to be a level of understanding that my ocd thinking may be rational but delusional at the same time.theres a line of reasoning and 'ocd logic'.it leaves us spiritually blind.enough from the genious lol j

This can relate to everyone

2006-05-16T19:33:00.000-04:00

Talk Therapy's Response to Anxiety, Panic and Depression

seized

2006-05-14T15:15:00.000-04:00

i have been seized by the ocd demon once again.its funny how one day ocd can be dealt with through spiritual teachings and the next you have an attack.my latest attack came from having 444.oo come up on my bank account number.the obsession of bad fate occuring now is very strong.im terrified.just sitting in paralized fear.the number and all its implications taking up nearly all of my thought and energies.
its a deep seeded process i started long ago.the symbolism I gave to this number in 8th grade.and the long thought process i have developed over the years that allows a number to literally freeze my thinking and spreading terror through my veins.when i get like this it doesn't matter what anyone says to me,im stuck in my own terrified world.much like an autistic person i imagine.
i thank God for revealing TAF to us this week.[Thought,Action,Fusion].a cognitive term for a type of pure-o thinking.for example, i have the premeditated thought of a number being all condemning,then the action of it showing up on a bank reciept,then the fusion of the thought and action,leaving one paralized.
also,GROPING around for something to pull me out of this,since im literally delusional,its hard to pray it away,or reason it out.i believe my pure-o ocd is something of a thought process that my mind has accumulated over the years.it has many sticking points.for example, themes of condemnation ,bad fate,PROBABILITY,turning into something other than self,and coincidence. its like being seized and stuck in a box.This thought process.being objective seems impossible when in this state of mind. and acceptance of it is hard when i just want to fight like hell against it.
and the worst thing about it is we have to take responsiility for it,having thought it up ourselves.when i know the ocd has a thought process of its own.j

honesty

2006-05-13T05:21:00.000-04:00

well i just woke up and i had that feeling you get before ocd,like what it was like to be normal.it only lasted a few minutes but it was nice.i had to get honest with myself.having been struggling so long the past 8 years or so.i have felt like dying,but not commiting suicide.i dont want to commit suicide ,not for how others will feel,which is the luxury of more unselfish men.rather,i don't want to give up hope for myself.but i can understand why someone would want to commit suicide with this disease.i have been relatively ok ,but the truth is i suffer daily.and nearly every day i feel like dying or crying,or raging or whatever.i just read an email from a friend on the holy spirit and feel it should be posted on the sight.call it a god thing.since going to aa,i have seen and learned more about the spiritual life.the surrendering that must take place,the turning your will over to that of Gods will.this is the answer we are seeking.it can be masked and deluded by people, but i have seen enough and learned enough of these spiritual truths.i would like to thank my friend for sending me this precious letter.i may hedge around a bit,but we owe our way out to the Lord.and the teachings and spiritual principles to live by.we could all use the reenergizing of the great spirit.not meaningless religion full of mere ritual.im beginning to sound like bill w. from aa.lol.he wanted people to get the essence of christ.not religion,which never worked in the past for drunks.much of what was said in the letter i had learned in aa.i never knew i had resentments.it just wasnt natural for me to talk to myself in spiritual terms.so the answer comes from within.and we can derive pleasure from resources such as psychology as well.j

Some more links

2006-05-12T11:57:00.001-04:00

another great link TAF and just because we think something makes it more real?

and this one http://www.scienceiq.com/ShowFact.cfm?ID=573

HEY!it pasted!

2006-05-12T02:51:00.000-04:00

Cognitive Approaches to Obsessions and Compulsions: Theory, Assessment, and Treatment - Page 16edited by Randy O. Frost, Gail Steketee - Psychology - 2002 - 525 pagesTallis suggested that these unfortunate coincidences may have resulted in thedevelopment of the patients' TAF and led to the subsequent development of OCD. ...Limited preview - All matching pages
wow,i cut ,copires and pasted something.this is a good article,i hope it will work,if not oh,well.here goes.j

Google Books for information on OCD and Scrupulosity

2006-05-11T18:14:00.000-04:00

Google Book - find more by typing key words great stuff

musing

2006-05-09T23:35:00.000-04:00

hello all.just musing.i know there is a god because this page exists for pure-o's.and even regulars.ive come to realize that ocd is amazingly dumb.but what causes us to think ourselves into such complex conundrums.the ocd is like a computer program,collecting data and making sense of the fears we have about lifes issues.the problem is, ITS INCORRECT.sure,there are guys like my bud pureo that i can relate to.especially the deep logic the pure-o thinking creates as it interprets goings on in the world around it.but i wonder,where does my brain come up with this shit.its not a disease for the unintelligent,yet we are reduced to near uselessness because of it.its like an idiot-savant kind of thing on a lower IQ scale.lol.its like we have to figure out this puzzle in our head,on top of all the things we need to be doing.our brains are multitasking,dealing with ocd thoughts ,mixed with strait thoughts.
for example,im studying for an exam, but its not even about the exam.my head is formulating ocd puzzles as i study.what im really dealing with is the 'ocd world' and not even the exam.much of my thinking is this ocd matching up of external stimuli,not even on the subject matter of the exam.what a waste of disk space!j

Unjust or Just Unfair

2006-05-08T03:22:00.000-04:00

Why was I chosen to have this stupid thought in my mind. Seems like I am being punished for doing nothing wrong and so is so much of the world for so many different types of illnesses and diseases and hardships. This is a spiritual disease as much as it is a physical one as Jeff would say. I changed the links section around limiting it down to the best links. Also I'm trying to figure out ways of improving the site, if you have suggestions please comment. Well anyway I was screamed at today because I am sick in the head. My mom doesn't understand and neither do I. I feel helpless like maybe I am being punished for a previous life or for the sins of my ancestors. I don't understand how this suffering I am facing is just in a world where it seems the a..holes in life get everything while the true and humble have to suffer. I am not saying i am the greatest person but I was put down so much in school that maybe my self esteem created more chemical imbalances in my mind or maybe i was just prone to this happening. Doesn't matter much i can suppose all i want...Truth is this happened and I'm thinking about my eternity as coming back as retarted except i have to remember one thing God is eternal and he saw this coming before it even happened just like he knows the eternal future of the world before that even happened. But where did God come up with the time to create time before he even thought about time and what is the meaning of life. Makes you wonder especially when all one does is suffer all day. All I can do is pray that this goes away and have faith and try to elevate my prayers to the heavens. I am currently seeing a psychologist who is very expensive but the insurace is covering half. Not like expensive means better although he seems much more professional than my last psychologist. I am currently taking cymbalta xanax xr and ativan if I am extra anxious. I feel addicted to these pain killers. If i don't take it the pain in the right side of my head is so much worse. Hope everyone can overcome this nonsensical bullshit our own minds concocted~ Peace PureO

a glimmer of hope

2006-05-06T18:00:00.000-04:00

hello all fellow pure-o ocd sufferers!!hope you are all hanging in there.please post a comment on the page to let us know your out there!
i was reading a book on grace and how God lets some people suffer afflictions.we have to accept our condition first of all.now, i know your saying,no,im going to fight it!but the book goes on to say that after we accept our disorder,we can seek out any way neccessary to get better(i.e.medical,psychology,ect.)but it is clear this form of pure-o has a spiritual foundation,much like that of recovering from an adiction.of course,we all stumble with our interpretations of religion and spirituality,but the key is to not give up.yes ,the paradox of acceptance and not giving up comes into play.but acceptance is not giving up.it is merely the acceptance that a bad phenomena has taken place.our brains have interpreted it as best they could.
the formula for my disorder is:

SUPERSTION+COINCIDENCE=BAD FATE

this is as simple as i can make my disorder.

now, i can stay stuck in rumination and that of being doomed to bad fate.or, i can accept this ocd formula of thinking i have developed,and realize i can make improvement.i am not stuck to the obsession that im caught up in.or rather,i may be stuck in it and accept it and realize in the future i can be rid of it.WE HAVE TO SEE THE LIE THAT OUR OCD THINKING IS TELLING US,NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY LOGICAL OUR OCD THOUGHTS SEEM TO BE VALIDATED.
the thing i hate the most about this disorder is trying to explain it in a reasonable fashion without someone saying he's just a nut.i have done that here.lol.
may you not miss the beauty of the forest due to the ugliness of some of its trees!God bless!j

it keeps going ..and going

2006-05-05T03:42:00.000-04:00

hello all.i see i havent posted in awhile.i really want to see this blog continue to survive and receive more comments,so please,if you are one of us pure-o,s take a minute and post a comment.
i have been reading on this new DBS(deep brain stimulation)device they have come up with at the clevelnd clinic.i dont know if i want the pacemakers in my chest,but i think it could work.i would feel like such freak ,though.more evidence of my false-pride screwing me up.i should be grateful they have this device. i think i would qualify, because i have tried all ssri's and some anti-psychotics to no avail over the last 11 years.i think i may check into it.i've about had it with how i am,feeling that i cant work a job because of this.i'm fortuntate to go to school,cause i can still study,but work is a different thing.i would just stand there and ruminate on matching coincidences and bad luck.i may go on section-8 housing,god willing.i think what is so torturous about this disorder is the guilt one feels about 'not trying hard enough' and that we are just lazy guys making this stuff up.that really irks me.if not for pureo and colby,the guys i met to form this site,i wouldn't have taken my ocd as seriously.i would have suffered in silence. but i now feel a need to come out with some advocacy work.i have been too proud and scared of what people might think and do,like i was vulnerable.i may go to NAMI marches and suff ,but would just feel like such a freak.its like i have a mental illness,but i get by just day to day.do i really want to go to the lengths of advocacy and DBS?ITS A VERY HARD CHOICE.please, anyone with exprience in this area ,share it with us here on the blog.god take you through all your ocd fears!j

An inspiration to us all

2006-04-24T15:27:00.000-04:00

Article Published April 22, 2006

Coincidences mean nothing

2006-04-17T19:49:00.000-04:00

Coincidences

This is just something I came across the other day can relate to jeff and myself....

Maybe can help other people on this site as well~PureO

pickled

2006-04-17T04:25:00.000-04:00

hello all. hope you had a good easter no matter what your faith. i know for a fact the ocd thought process in my head is a faith buster, not a faith builder.im using aa 12 steps to recover.it has a christian slant to it, which is fine. i do believe christ was the son of god.however,christianity wont solve my problem. i can use christian principles to solve them though. alcoholics need to commence on a simpler level and keep it simple.jesus knows this, i truly believe in my heart. what i dont need is alot of debate about religion.
also, to get over the ocd i think we need a higher power we can believe in that will grant us all the positive aspects of spirituality. one that we know can overcome any ocd phenomena we encounter.
heres an example of how complex an alcoholic/ocd mind works. i like fantasy baseball. i was reading on a player named ,say chris rock.i match coincidences and they validate my bad luck thinking. as i read the players name, i heard the word 'rock' on the radio. then ,in my next thought 'i thought 'see it never stops'[the coincidences]. all this did was match my thinking with an outside source. this being a typical rock radio ad, where the slogan was '92 rock,where it never stops' i think," how can what i thought match up with the radio.?" probability thinking can drive you mad.i went on to think i would turn into the baseball player[delusional].
anyway ,all this deep thinking really scared the shit out of me.so i have to do a ritual to break my chain of thought.the problem is ,it already happened.how can one take back whats been written in stone?how can one go back to being a cucumber after he turns into a pickle? lol.
this is where the higher power comes in.if i can truly believe in a loving god that can make my coincidental obsession invalid,then i am free!the hard part is getting the mind to 'click that switch'.the obsession is like a car stuck between gears and just rotating.
i must admit it helps alot to talk about it and i appreciate any comments as do all of us here on the site.weve been at it for awhile and some comments would boost the morale.may your higher power take away all your fears!j

man...

2006-04-15T05:10:00.000-04:00

well the doctor put me on an old typical anti-phychotic.i just dont like the feel to these anti-psychotics.they seem to have too serious side affects. ive taken geodon for over a year so i got used to it, but now im reading this new one, perphenazine(trilafon),that im taking has a high rate of tardive dyskanesia.man, how can they prescribe this shit when they know it can screw you up in the long run?my point is these meds dont work.the anti-anxiety meds help,but the others dont change the thought process.and if they do are you willing to get tardive dyskanesia in the process.im not and wont continue to take this. im not quite used to how i am playing with coincidences with the ocd.but the odd feeling i get on this anti-psyche isnt worth it.sorry,if this isnt making sense but the meds got me a little feeling different.kind of floaty. i just hate this whole mess of growing in spirit, taking these drugs,and most of all having to make decisions about them.god take you through all your fears!j

My head still hurts taking xanax and cymbalta

2006-04-09T17:22:00.000-04:00

Well my head is still aching from the anxiety in my head. I'm sure i have a nuerological problem but its due to me creating it bc of my anxiety thats constantly being recreated each second. My parents are fed up with me and said they are gonna kick me out of the house when i graduate, and i don't blame them. But its not gonna make sh*t better. It will just cause more anxiety but i dont want to be a hermit lying around the house either. But if my head didn't hurt i could be able to deal i guess, but the anxiety it making me handicapped in a sense bc its hurting my brain physically to a high degree causing me to be tired and weak. My psychiatrist prescriped xanax xr so i have a longer lasting benzo which i read is pretty much the most addicting benzo. I also was looking at the most prescribed drugs in america and it looks like when you feel alone just look at all the antidepressents and tranqs people are taking. http://www.rxlist.com/top200.htm

ALPRAZOLAM is the scientific name for xanax by the way--- 32,404,743 total prescriptions in 2004 well i dont know why they dont have 2005 up yet but i guess they are still counting. If you divide that number by 12 thats probably about how many people take it if a prescription in based on a monthly basis for most. Newayz zoloft is up there which i stopped taking and now im on cymbalta a ssri released in 2004 which i guess is whatever right. If it helps great if now well i'm back to square one. I feel like a loser which must mean i am one essentially. I'm 21 years old i dont go out much and my future looks grim. I want to get a job and get married and make peace with G-d. I prayed every morning since i was young and it hasn't gotten me far. Maybe G-d has bigger plans for me or maybe i'm just being punished for previous sins. Nonetheless I want to do better. I want to help people in society and not be a celf-centered person who only cares about himself and his future. If i'm damned for eternity there is no justice in the world. I didn't do nething like kill someone or assualt neone all that happened was i felt I did something perverse and looked at this retarted girl 3 years ago and said she must have done something perverse to become that way. Then the story you can read if you don't already know is all messed up. I'll restate it again if you are new to this site: I was looking at this girl and thinking man she must have done something really bad in a previous life to become like this and she became reincarnated into what she is now because she was perverse in strange ways and kids in the class started laughing at her. And i felt bad for her and then i was thinking I am going to be her in my next 3 lives. And then i thought infinite lifetimes to realize it wasn't some external voice in my head but me actually saying it. I didn't think about it that much bc i had other OCD related thoughts that were worse at the time but then it popped in my head a few months later in class once again and couldn't stop thinking about it for that class period. And as soon as i got the thought that popped in my head i was thinking about becoming that retarted girl for the next infinite lifetimes once again. It was in physics class again and since im facing the door i see her walk past the door after i thought your going to be her in your next infinite lives during this same time period if you ever see her in the within the next 3 seconds and i felt like i was going to cry when i saw her a second later.. It was so strange because i hardly ever see her in the school besides that one other time which was a fluke, and also strange that i was thinking that at the moment right before seeing her and also i never look out the door of my class. then a voice said inside my head this is the final verdict and G-d can't hear you anymore. The next period I saw the girl at lunch and she walks right up to me to get a napkin where i was standing. This further increased my suspision that maybe I was cursed. So now i have to take medication to function.

Well neway everyone has their own problems in life ours is just a matter of bad luck and self-esteem problems as a result of chemical imbalances that were further exacerbated by the outside world. Just wish i could have a moment of clarity and get beyond where im at now. I'm losing it. Every day i think of that event with the girl and the crazy part is she was a functional retard nonetheless in some ways. I feel bad for people that are mentally challenged and i picked a poor girl as a fear of becoming her for eternity. Well she probably has a better life than me right now. And she graduated by now since she was like 2 grades behind me at the time it happened when i was a senior. Now ill be a senior in college next year and still have a dreadful thought of my eternal damnation of coming back for eternity. I know my story sounds nuts and it is but to me its realistic bc of the odds of the coincidence that reinforced the ocd to unimaginable degrees. Just a note I think i made up the 3 seconds part but i dont remember. It might have been some doubt or something that said i might have said 3 seconds but everything else was true what happened. THe girl walked by as soon as I thought of being her for eternity and i looked up. It really has messed me up especially when she walked up to me the next period when that never happened before either. I'm paranoid I know and if this never happened maybe some other f*ked up thing would have happened to mess me up. Well all i know is i wish i wish an infinite amount of times this never happens and i get better in this life.
Hope everyone can somehow get rid of their phobia/ocd and move on to doing good for society. I would do anything to have peace of mind. But it made me realize this life is more unfair for some. We all are born and we all die. Thats all I know and I don't ever want to come back like my thought said i would as a retarded girl for eternity for perverse acts that wouldn't even that perverse compared to society. I'm just messed up bc of the coincidence.

Peace be with everyone who visits this site and beyond~PureO

what works?

2006-04-08T02:09:00.000-04:00

hello brothers.felt like typing cause its late at night and im alone with my ocd.i thought id get it off my chest.this incident started when i bought a little bookshelf for 44 dollars.it was to be used for my school books.my ocd said[because of the number 44 you will fail at school from now on].i know this all has to do with a fear of giving a short presentation in class. theres a girl in there who is real critical and im afraid of getting up there with all my anxiety-and her seeing through me that i have an illness.anyway,i play fantasy baseball and was trying to decide whether to use a pitcher described as having guile.my ocd is based on matching things and associations.ocd said[if you put this guy on your team you will have guile when you give your presentation],now,guile i guess isnt bad,but my mind just bugged out.i lay on the couch in a stupor and felt like crying.the ocd said[guile is fake and you have to be pure].i hope that this seemingly incoherrent example shows how ocd can shoot you down in a heartbeat.
i just dont see how prayer helps when im this low.i need to sleep it off,so i get that sleepyhead feeling and the fear isnt as acute as it is during the day. the obsession seems to overide even prayer sometimes.
anyway,i was reading my 12 step book today and came across something helpful. my thinking is if the spiritual principles of aa can stop AN OBSESSION to drink,then why not any obsession?
i will substitute words for drinking, like the word thinking, to make it pertain to ocd.
in order to overcome alcohol,one has to admit complete hopelessness and powerlessness over his condition to start his spiritual journey to remove the obsession to drink.im sure its not hard for us to admit complete defeat with our ocd.
p22 'then we had been told that as far as our ocd was concerned, self-confidence was no good whatever ;in fact it was a total liability. our sponsor declared that we were the victims of a mental obsession so subtley powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it.there was ,they said, no such thing as the personal conquest of this compulsion[undoing ritual] by the unaided will.'
now if we ADMIT THE OBSESSION IS TO MUCH FOR US,AND THE COMPULSION TO UNDO IT BY THE UNAIDED WILL-then we can let god in through prayer and meditation to relieve us of whatever OBSESSION WE CANT UNDO.
OCD ANONYMOUS follows the same 12 steps as aa.my advice is to try and find a meeting in your area.i may have to drive an hour away to a town i dont know-but i do know if we share together our common problem a miracle of sorts does take place, much like the alcoholic who loses the obsession to drink and compulsion to keep drinking after he takes the first drink.
we need god to take way the obsession.may god take away all your ocd fears!j

thank god

2006-04-05T17:25:00.000-04:00

hello brothers.all that is on my heart now is how grateful i am for having you guys in my life. as you know,i go to alchoholics anonymous.i find many similarities with our collaborration with each other and the history of aa.the founders of aa,dr. bob and bill wilson, were practicing what we are practicing.they were two alcoholics who talked with each other .simply talked and related to each other.Of course this led to groups being formed and all the 12 step programs in the USA today.everyone uses their spiritual growth to overcome their problem, and the same can be done for OCD. I feel a bit cheated by having such a severe form of ocd, one that even attacks our spiritual beliefs. it seems as if i have to dig deeper than most people to overcome my fears,and that religion is not the only answer to this disease.specifically christianity, because it deals with scrupulosity in a direct way.If i was to only have religious scruples!!! now that would be a blessing.
unfortunately i am involved in much superstition ,and religion uses magical thinking as its foundation for faith.[see religion and superstition]link.they are both very similar.although christianity and prayer are real. (according to believers).to tell the truth,i cant keep it together with the aa 12 steps,christianity ,and severe ocd. im just plain overloaded.so i need to keep it simple.i read a pamphlet i made with quotes from the aa big book. i jump around like a ping-pong ball with spiritual books and bible reading(a little now),but not nearly as much as when i attended church and was learning about christianity.
today, my problem was a number again,44. i decided to buy a bookrack for my schoolbooks, and it was 44.oo.i went through all the ocd stuff,what are the chances,ocd voice saying i will fail at school now cause i was cursed.then the ocd said id be just plain stupid.
this is why it is sooo hard to go to school,where they grade everything on IQ, and try to remain balanced when it comes to the importance of accumulating knowledge.on one hand i want to be as smart as i can be with school, but on the other hand i want the spiritual peace of not having to be a know-it-all.aww well,thanks for the rant.may God give you the courage to go through your ocd fears!!!j

Force your change!!

2006-04-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

Lately I can say that things have been somewhat better than they have been. It's my thought life and stubborn pride that gets to me so often. It's my social anxiety coupled with thoughts of failure in my life because: EVERYONE HAS TO HAVE A CAREER AND BE FIGURED OUT!!! Well, I have sinced learned that these expectations weigh heavily upon all of us. They still to this day weigh heavily upon me. I like girls, I like to date and eventually want to get married, own a house and a dog and have some kids. The world says to be somebody all the time. In a silent way the world communicates that, in order to be of value, one must have this, this, this, and this. It's one big decietful formula for true success. But it's ok , Jesus was a carpenter....He was humble and wasn't concerned with the world standards for success at the time, He was only worried about pleasing The Father...being the one true example of sinlessness and holiness and righteousness for the rest of mankind to witness. So with this persepective in mind, having a career would of course be nice at age 27 and making money would of course be nice too, however would that necessarily be true evidence of success in my life.? Would I have peace of mind? I wouldn't trade all these trials and all this pain for complete ignorance of God. I'll let it hurt till the bitter end, if only to experience God's presence in my life for one second. It's worth it!
Do I sometimes think that it isn't worth it? The answer is yes. I often wonder why I despair more than hope, and as a result of my despir I've become a hermit and I isolate myself. I pray and hope that sooner than later, I can find the strength out of this frame of mind. More often than anything else I contemplate what mistakes I'm made and weigh them in light of my circumstances wondering if what I'm reaping is truly what I've sewn or If I'm being punished for past sins. From that perspective I'm also led to wonder if there is redemption out of a unhealthy pattern of living and thinking that I've develped. Ok so i got myself into this mess, is there a way out? and if there is, how do I get there? I'll write more when I get a thorough train of thought. peace.

My head hurts : (

2006-04-04T00:46:00.000-04:00

Well i slept most of the day and my parents had enough of it. They screamed at me saying shit about I should be in a mental hospital and stop having self pity, saying i am too sheltered and lazy and crap. My mom screamed at me and slapped me in the face. They just don't understand. I hate my life, i wish i was never born. i can't stand the pain anymore its physical as well as mental. This is such bullshit why did this have to happen to me. Like i really want to feel shitty all the time and have headaches bc of a thought that i can't get out of my fukin head. What can i do to rid this pain i had it for so long i think its near damn impossible to get rid of. This is just ruining my life and i'm 21 years old when i should be enjoying life. Well who cares about me bc im just a stubborn shit who is too concerned about his infinite lives. Life sucks and my life really sucks right now~ PureO

crunch

2006-03-21T01:31:00.000-05:00

oh boy,what a day.things started out ok,with prayer and meditation.then a trip to the psychologist and pychiatrist.i received some loan money for school and was feeling pretty smug in my new security.But then on the way to campus i drove through one of those parking gates,where you swipe a card,and its on a hill.i crushed my tire up against some concrete,theres all kinds of tire marks there.330 dollars damage. im like ,damn,i cant even go a little while without something happening.
what makes it worse though is the ocd. i was talking to a lady at the car shop and said '60,ooo' miles in our conversation, then i looked right at an ad that said 60,ooo miles for tire replacement. I started buggin. the 'what are the chances of that happening' and all. but it made sense some, cause i was talking about how whether its a new car or old ,you have to fix it at around 60,000 miles. I guess its the same for tires. so it did make some sense out of a random coincidence. but i cant help bt wonder if having the ocd makes us more prone to mistakes, being so tied up in our own thoughts all the time. i know that parking gate was just built awfully.but yet i still expect to be perfect,and when i make a mistake,blame it on a curse[superstitious ocd].
the whole dilemma has to be fixed spiritually.all the positive spiritual thoughts applied to every situation. But at least there is an answer.An answer besides just psychology, and cognitive behavoral shit. may god take away your fear.j

sometimes

2006-03-19T06:06:00.000-05:00

hello all!hope all you ocders in the closet are reading this.please post a comment.your support is vital to keeping up the enthusiasm of the sight.i was just reading over a past post and found another [match].the day i wrote 411 people having visited the sight , i later in the post typed i was afraid of the number 1444.i noticed this was almost the exact reverse.why stuff like that gives me such a feeling of [doom],ill never know.it just baffles me, like what are the chances ? 1 in 1,ooo,ooo,ooo,ooo. lol.its really not funny.but im just attaching a negative meaning to these quasi-coincidences.
today,while shopping,i bought a RF adaptor to hook up all of my entertainment shit.i decided on the one i liked,and noticed it was made by magnavox,the same as the maker of my dvd player.this should be a good coincidence,or omen,if you will. The thing was the magnavox add catch phrase is, 'smart,very smart'.now i had a problem with this when i bought the dvd. I was afraid if i bought it i would be very smart,which is egotistical for me,or very dumb. A two edged sword.the fear of[success or failure].now ,i know all this is repetitive and tiring to read,cause i have so many foibles,and I apologize to the reader.its just that posting has become a journal to air these matters out.
I just know from reading the OCD board at stuckinadoorway.com that people suffer from this type of ocd thinking and really need an outlet or resource that they can relate to.it may not always be religious scrupulosity, although it does come into play.but these are all scruples nonetheless.until later,may God help you to overcome your fears!j

faith in faithless times

2006-03-18T23:27:00.000-05:00

Hi I'm back I'm gonna make short posts from now on elbaborating more on what I struggle with in my life in regards to my fears. I fear abandonement from God. I recently got very sick and was hospitalized for symptoms of multiple sculrosis and inflammation in my spindal cord. It was a large ordeal, one the doctors helped to treat with much success. I'm still dealing with negative thoughts but my perspective on life has changed and i'm grateful to be alive. it doesnt change the fact that my faith has been tried and tested and isnt as strong as it use to be. Maybe to get it stronger and refine it, God must test it to the point of no return. Sometimes I wonder why God would want our faith to be shaken so deliberately to the point that we start to despair. It confuses me when He loves us but allows our faith to stretch and seem to break. Back in the day, I learned that the Jews didn't need faith as much as we do today so to speak. They had undeniable, tangible, scientifically recorded and analyzed data of God's existence: They had proof. Everyday, when they woke up, there before them was a sign of the Lord's presence. Still things were tough for them, even with undeniable evidence of God and His power. Moses would enter the tabernacle and come out shining to the point that people couldnt look at Him and he had to veil his face. Thats something that you don't see everyday. but back then God did things like that before the eyes of men that would leave no room for doubt. I too sometimes wish God would reveal himself to me in a way that would leave no room for doubt, accompanied with pain. I heard a quote though that goes "Without somehow destroying me in the process, How could God reveal himself in a way that woud leave no room for doubt? If there were no room for doubt , there would be no room for me." -Frederick Buechner

a day of death

2006-03-06T00:40:00.000-05:00

hello all.sorry to be taking up the whole blog.today was perhaps one of my worst in my ocd history. i was typing a paper and had gotten to the end pretty much in the clear.no crazy circumstances but a few words on the radio matching up with words i was typing.then i got to THE END. as i was 'perfectly'following the procedure for writing a website for a bibliography page IT HAPPENED. I wrote the date as my final thing,and sure enough,they were going over that days dates history events on the radio.now,i know all this radio stuff sounds schizophrenic.Like this guys hearing things and messages the radio is sending out to him.wearing aluminum foil on his head and such. lol.but this is where the psychiatrists just dont 'get it'.for those of us matching up coincidences,they are not delusions.i know perfectly sanely that i typed the date the same time they were going over 'today in history'.that was no delusion.the delusion is the ocd fears that go along with the coincidence.i had the[doom fear]that from this date all would be bad fate.i had the fear that all the papers i write from now on will suck.but to break it down into pop-psychology,it is a [fear of abandonment].of being cut off.by people.i looked to people for reassurance.But the one thing i was afraid of most is being shut off from God.Being shut off from God is the definition of being in hell.i went about my days business,doing laundry and shopping at the dollar store.trying to do the little things one does to manage their life.
But today was different,i felt like people could see the evil demon ocd haunting me.my eyes felt bugged out.i was very sensitive to everything going on.Laughter,someone whistling,a kid popping bubble gum.It all seemed directed towards me. i was very serious, while people were hamming it up.my heart began to ache.i felt totally alone in the world.it was one of those days where the slightest gesture of kindness meant so much.I FELT LIKE I WAS DEAD.Im not being melodramatic.this is truly how i felt.I felt like a hole had been shot through my heart,only today i couldnt shake it off.My face was drooping,I was sweating in line at k-mart.i felt like i wanted to kill somebody.not literally,for all you whitecoats out there.
i went over my dad's.i was feeling as low as when i was detoxing from alcohol six years ago.I told him how i felt.he was sympathetic.then he asked me to hook up his DVD.Haaaaahaaaahaaaaahaaaaa!!!!!I'm dying and i have to muster up the energy to put his DVD together!it wasn't hard .except for the usual pain in the ass stuff people don't get unless the've been there.like crawling around the floor and manuvering through endless wires.I thought,how ironic,multitasking while i feel like crying.but it did feel good to help someone.well,thats all i got.may you overcome all your fears.j

somebody reach out

2006-03-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

hello all-we've had 411 visitors!!i am appealing to you all who read and are afraid to post a comment.you know in your heart if you have this type of ocd.please just comment and give us some feedback.thanks!!
well,like alcoholism,all that we can do is pray and keep our spirits up sometimes.every day.i have been trying to pin down my fears and i have about 20 recurring ones with ocd.last night i had one i couldn't pin down.i was typing a paper and couldn't continue,i had hit the wall.then i heard on the radio an ad for st.patrick's day and it said"hey patty,lets go to some bar"or something.i was like damn thats my girlfriends name.and that drop of the heart occured.its like my ocd saw a big ,fat fastball,right over the plate, to hit out of the ballpark.i have been devestated by this.i know it sounds so small,but my ocd is magnifying everything.i guess the fog i was in had to deal with a[failure or success of a relationship]i was in fear, or it was a[doom fear].my doom fear can be very heavy and leave me walking around in shock.
i went out for a little shopping and my speedway points came up 1444.[number 44 fear].i was like damn this friggin number is not leaving me alone.it doesnt bother me that much now ,but combined with the other doom fear,i just cant take all the fear.i think what gets me is not just one incident but having several on my mind almost all the time.ah,well,i feel better now.god bless all in overcoming your fears. j

magnification

2006-03-04T00:09:00.000-05:00

hello all.im posting tonight after having a day of ocd which i examined.i have many ocd fears and they happen all at once sometimes.
today, i was real receptive.i was at a library getting a book on sobriety, and i had the ocd thought that frank (a fellow aa member)could have gotten or get the book also,cause it in his part of town.i know this is sick and doesn't make sense ,but it does to me.so,im drivin and i have the frank[possession] fear in the back of my mind.then i go to speedway to buy some smokes , and use my new speedypoints card.its where you get points for purchases.anyway,i had the fear of[beginnings and endings], cause it was the first time i was at that store using my card.i bought some marlboro's and hypervigilntly saw 444 on the box[number fear].so,i get driving down the road and am just thinking sh#t,thank God i had some objectivity.here i am ,driving down the road and chuckling a little.i realized i was having three fears at once.three crippling fears in my mind .i was dealing with turning into some guy and having bad fate from here on out.i didnt have the [condemnation fear] this time.ocd just picks its haze and leaves you in it. i was looking shell shocked and moving real slow when i got out of my car. i thought this girl was laughing at me,cause she laughed after i had gone past her.
now, when typing this,as i wrote about frank i had the delusion of seeing myself as him.this ocd is no joke. i can see why some people kill themselves.cause it just wraps your mind in a maze and haze you cant get out of.not until you are objective,and thats a long stretch for someone with a good ocd incident.thats why my heart goes out to pureo cause i know he had a really tough one.but there is hope as we uncover this mystery.i thank pureo for starting this blog.without it i would be stuck in my ocd thoughts.god bless,and may your fears be overcome!j

beginning to see

2006-03-02T03:09:00.000-05:00

hello all .i am beginning to see objectvely,how my ocd works.its right at the surface now,whereas before it was more subconscious.since i avoid all matches or coincidences,i have learned to expect them.there is a negative thought pattern to each theme i think of, beginnings and endings,coincidence,abandonment,from this point on[final verdict],success or failure,being funny,being boxed in a corner,turning into someone or picking up their traits[possession]ect.
today i went through talking about a sports figure who botched up his career at the same time as writing the date.march first[beginning of a new month.]the kid i was talking with said 'that guy is a loser (the sports figure).my ocd said from this point on[final verdict]and[beginnings and endings][coincidence]that i would be a loser.[success and failure].all thes fears converging at once while just writing todays date and talking sports. who says this isnt a complicated disease!!!
so later in the day i was screwing in a can crusher on the wall.i played a prediction game to test the ocd.i was using'screwdog' screws and i thought i bet something about dogs will come up as a coincidence while doing this. sure enough,an ad came on the radio for the steelhounds hockey team in my area and it said 'go dogs'or something.
i had the [final verdict] feeling that because of this[coincidence]i would be [abandoned][doomed]for all [eternity].
this is a very subjective disease that makes us subject to our fears,rather than to remain objective.
the only way out,as i see it,is to know our ocd theme fears,realize objectively when they happen,and take the proper view that it isnt me,its just my pure-o ocd.then we can let the fears go without preforming a ritual. or becoming stuck in a rumanative fog.may god grant you deliverance from your ocd fears!pz j

shrink wrap

2006-02-28T03:32:00.000-05:00

went to see the therapist today.all he could really tell me is to challenge the ocd thought in contrast to reality.im in such a fog that i have to laugh.its true,when we say the ocd thought it sounds rediculous.but because of that imp of the mind,perversness,or whatever you want to call it ,the ocd thought digs in your mind,forcing you to believe in a non-reality.
today ,i was in class,and as i was writing the days date on my paper,a girl said, 'you have to laugh when your studying all this russian history'.or something to that effect.bingo,right there i got the fear that i wouldnt be funny from this date on[coincidence].then i sat there in the middle of class just jonesin'.all the guys sit along the periphary of the class .im like the only guy in the middle of the room.they were all cracking jokes and i was just sitting there like an intellectual nerd.this made me feel like it was coming true immediatly.
to me ,this is a horrible feeling.the feeling that your ocd thought is coming true.it truly is a horror that gets into the marrow of your bones,and digs like pac-man in your brain.
my docs got me on 300 mg of zoloft a day!!man thats like bringing out the big guns.fuck3n blow this ocd right out of my head.oh, shit,now i feel like i have to go back and change the 3 in fuckin ,because it matched up with the 3 in 300 miligrams.i usually use the # sign when im typing a curse word in,but was too lazy.now the ocd is saying im under a curse ,cause i did it on a curse word.see,im going down an ocd thought process RIGHT NOW!!!im having an attack as i type this very sentence.oh,god help us all.im not even gunna type lol cause its not funny,which backs up my theory of not being funny anymore.this is just a vicious cycle of negative thoughts out to get me,but they all seem to have truth in them because of some [coincidence].oh well,im off the rocker again.pz and may God remove your fears.j

dont throw the baby out with the bath water

2006-02-26T05:00:00.000-05:00

well i awoke today,as other days,knowing that my ocd would surface at different times.this helps to know it will happen everyday ,and to be prepared for it.i had a lazy morning and went to my nieces wedding later in the afternoon.this is important,cause im a recovering drunk,and social events can be loathsome.i did enjoy myself,and had a good time, considering all the booze ,but moreso overcoming the ocd thoughts.my first one was that when i wrote on the card 'pray all the best for you both'[the bride and groom].i wrote the word 'best' to close to the word 'the'. i wrote the card on my cars steering wheel.i was so bummed that i made a writing mistake,one that makes you look bad cause it looks like a child wrote it.sort of like how my typing makes me look ad on the computer.lol.anyway,the ocd went off on the theme of being 'the best',and you know how social events are,everyone talking about how great they are doing.[at least in my family].
i felt pretty comfortable there ,both the wedding and reception.but the ocd got me again just as i left.i think i saw the groom walk alongside and then behind my car as i drove out.it was night,but i think it was him.i looked at him in my rearview mirror.then i had the compusion to go back and do it over so that the groom wasnt the last[beginnings and endings fear]guy i saw.i also had that cloud of ocd thinking that edgar allen poe had written about in my last post.sort of like i may turn into the groom[posession fear]and that the groom would have bad luck because i saw him in a review mirror[superstitious fear].it was sort of like a surreal type of feeling.hard to define.but i cant throw the baby out with the bathwater.i went,had a relatively good time,and cant let the ocd wreck it.pz j

fear

2006-02-25T00:26:00.000-05:00

hello.as i type this im wearing a pullover i just love that i got for five bucks.only problem is its like the one my teacher wears so i think ill turn into him[possession fear]im also listening to trance music,thanks pureo!!!!!!it is really relaxing.this one advertises itself as 'safe with medications'lol. im like i found the right one!its dreamy mood music.i got on the IM to thank pureo and just that second he clicked off[abandonment fear].but im going through all my fears.i always have been going through them all ,without rituals.its hard because im always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
i figured out most all of my fears are to preserve myself.i dont know if this is because of egotism or just a childlike fear.i do know that i cant become religious.like the Pharasies,but i can practice christian principles and know the Lord loves me and all of us!!God loves us unconditianally,and religion just brings doubt into it.in order to overcome our ocd fears,we have to realize they are superstitious power.and even if the superstition comes true it doesnt validate anything.for example,when pureo clicked off when i IM'ed him,he may have done it 1.by coincidence 2.he didnt feel like talking .it doesnt mean he is abandoning me,just because of the reality that it actually happened.
i know im not making sense,but im trying to illustrate that even if one of our ocd fears is triggered,and the trigger actually happens,it doesnt mean its validated and is final.the ocd wants us to believe a curse on us is final,cause it knows it will leave us paralyzed.
The ocd is just our wildest fears coming true.but in reality the fears themselves arent valid.they are just created in our minds,by a sort of ocd sixth sense,or the imp of the mind.which is we think of something totally negative and it comes true.we wonder why the negative thought was there in the first place.and i think us ocders just have a knack[or imp]of the mind, as dr.lee baer suggest, more than other people.enough,pz and God's love to work through your fear. jeff

imp

2006-02-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

i got the book 'the imp of the mind'today by lee bauer.it was more of the same stuff.he said obsessions are either harming,sexual,or religious.it was more of the same stuff,leaving me still feeling misunderstood.the only thing i do is have stranger quirks than these.so i feel many of us have ocd but the books just dont tend to hit on our particular quirks,leaving us feeling that we have special cases that can never be solved.i bought the book mainly because it was dealing with just obssessive bad thoughts and wasn't about compulsions really.
as usual,when im in book stores im looking at all the titles compulsively and trying to avoid anything bad.of course this is impossible.i was looking at cd's and saw one with one containing a picture of a guy with an indian dot like mark on his head.my ocd said that repesents the imp of the mind ,so i was afraid to buy the book.i feel like i have a third eye now and am looking psychotic.lol.another one i had today was i wrote bride and groom on the bottom line of a notebook.i immediatly had the bad thought that my nieces upcoming marriage was doomed.
baer refers to the imp of the mind as 'the imp of the perverse'.Edgar allen poe wrote a short story with this title.in the story he says 'an innate and primitive principle of human action,a paradoxal something,which we may call 'perverseness' for lack of want of a more characteristic term..through its promptings we act,for the reason we should not.in theory no reason can be unreasonable:but in fact ,there is none more strong.With certain minds,under certain conditions ,it becomes irresistable. I am not more certain that i breathe,than that the assurance of the wrong word or error of any action is often the one unconquerable force which impels us,and alone impels us to its PROSECUTION....we peer into the abyss-we grow sick and dizzy.our first impulse is to shrink from the danger.unaccountably we remain.by slow degrees our sickness ,and dizziness,and horror,become merged in the cloud of UNAMABLE FEELING.By graduations,still more imperceptable,the cloud assumes shape,as did the vapor from the bottle out of which arose the genie in the Arabian nights.But out of this our cloud upon the precipices edge,there grows a shape,far more terrible than any genie,or any demon of a tale,AND YET IT IS BUT A THOUGHT,although a fearful one,and one which chills the very marrow of our bones with the fierceness of the delight of its horror...'
well,its a bit intellectual,its edgar allen poe for godsakes,but this is what Baer gives us as some intellectual description of an ocd thought that just digs in your mind.it tries to show the patient is driven to do precisely the opposite of what he wants to do.pz jeff

just let go

2006-02-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

Well there is no secret that living a life of utter guilt and fear is not the path one should continue on. Just let the past behind, move on and don't look back. What happened was gonna happen anyway there is nothing you can do to change what already happened. Just move on and do what is right today, learn from your past mistakes you can still make things right. Just think positive when all is negative in your mind. Let the thoughts subside and become the person you want to be a person with peace of mind. Pz ~ PureO

morphing

2006-02-18T02:03:00.000-05:00

im real scared to post this cause im listening to an oldies station.'less than zero'was on ,an old song about dying young and it reminded me of pureo saying he thinks he could die of stress.so i wanted to avoid posting on it.and i think ill turn into robert downy from that movie 'less than zero'[possession fear].
i also ended a paper with the word 'church' in the last sentence twice.[fear of beginnings and endings]and fear that god wants me in church.so i feel compelled to write another sentence,but i had aready been doing that.im thinking all symbolicallyand putting ideas together real fast,all of them hypervigilant negative fears.im feeling real on edge,this is scary what im doing.morphing all this stimuli together.pz jeff

Just gonna say something ...a lot!

2006-02-16T03:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah I've been away for a while, gotta keep up to date and let everyone know about any positive or negative changes. I've got a really addictive personality, but also to escape pain I often fall into addictive patterns unintentionally I think. It's almost like medicine, tho if i medicate the wrong way like I've been doing the pain only worsens. Lately I've been grinding through one of my favorite online games and it's become a bit irresponsible and obsessive. So with the help of a close friend and family I've managed to get away(not without cursing and screaming of course). It's for the best I know. When I hurt I seek solitude, the worst thing for cases like ours even with the temporary fix it provides. For me it's bittersweet cause I've discoverd that I have social anxiety disorder too so as much as I want to be around people, my thoughts chew up my brain and I begin to panic as the anxiety rises to an intollerable level. Lately it hasnt been as bad, but gosh I couldnt leave the house for a long time...Oh how I never wanted to be like this. As I look at things tho a part of me is glad I'm seeking help through counseling and medication and reaching out( as best as I can) for help. Years past my pride kept me hurting I think. My roommate says "The Lord loves brokenness, it's in those times that we can begin to experience healing." I guess I'm broken, maybe I'm broken everyday. Wow how I've noticed my thoughts wander perhaps this post is hard to follow due to the randomness of each next thought or idea I express. Who knows? Anyways, I've been away in isolation and solitude trying to fix my own problems unsucessfully while making various counseling appointments a week. Thats pretty much it. Much of the time my thoughts revolve around me thinking I'm evil knowing, of course, that I don't want to be at all because of my belief in Christ. These lies have beat me up for so long that I'm even afraid to be around people and go back to church. Some days I just don't know what I've done wrong or why I just cant fight off the terrible thoughts with truth and go about my day. My mind gets so tangled up inside and I'm just frustrated. Like Brian, much of the time im scared...of myself, for some reason, and the thoughts inside my head even though they're just thoughts. I cannot control the doubt that arises through complete faithless times in my walk. But even If I am evil, we all are, then I am along with everyone else are perfect candidates for salvation because in Romans it says "that even while we were still sinners and his enemies, Christ died for the ungodly" (paraphared). So basicly while still unreconciled(separated through sin) to the Father and still enemies because of our sin, Christ died for us. The Father sent His Son to Provide Reconciliation.. a way back to Him that we couldnt earn or work towards. God didn't have us reconciled first because w/o sacrifice or a substitution that cant be possible. If that were the case there would be no need for Christ as our sacrifice for sin. The scripture teaches that The Father sent His Son to Die on our behalf while we were still his enemies. WOW!! I read that and cant get my head around it. Thats like a holocaust victim giving Hitler a kiss on the cheek before being thrown into the furnace. Sry thats harsh and perhaps a bad analagy and I'm so going off the deep end with all that I'm talking about...subject matter wise cause its all clustered into 1 random post. But neways as my mind struggles to grasp all this mercy and providence for my sins that God provided even while I was STILL His enemy, it pains me to think that I, after recieving Christ through faith, could ever be seperated from God's love. How much more does He love me now that I'm reconciled. First off God The Father proved to me that He loved me as an enemy, sent Christ to die, and once reconciled through Jesus loved me no less than before but secured my proper place as a child of God created in His Image. The right place now alive to the Spirit, new mindset, allied now rather than an unrepentant enemy. Within being reconciled to the Father through the Cross(the sacrifice of God's sinless Son), we transfer from a blind enemy to a truth seeing child. It's so hard though for the first time once reconcilation has taken place to adjust as the blinders are removed, indwelled with a new nature, as you see the old nature living right next to u. It's like being a new kid in a new school than all of a sudden each day a new random bully pops out of nowhere to steal your lunch money. You dont expect it, neither are u prepared for it so when it happens its a surprise and u find yourself angry that u havent been able to resolve the issue and avoid it. Sin becomes altogether much easier to see, but hard to deal with as your new nature desires the opposite which is of the Spirit and not of the flesh. Tug o War between natures. Ultimately becoming reconciled by means of Jesus' sacrifice doesnt mean instant sinless behavior. The sin nature is there all the more tugging at you enticing u tantalizing u tempting u, while the Spirit behaves otherwise seeking and desiring the things of God and not the world. It's a real and mysterious battle but the war rages on inside. While we fight this war, I myself begin learning that it's not I when I fall and sin its not I that can reconcile myself back to God. Grace supersedes my own efforts and works to reconcile myself back. It's already been done for me, for free, even before I chose Jesus. This eliminates mans own efforts and makes way for grace. However, once I chose Him, forgiveness manifested as my sins were nailed to the cross, grace became a reality unseen almost unreal, and my sin became altogether disgusting as my eyes were opened to the depth of it's reality, thus, my walk began.....a fresh soldier deployed into the middle of combat to fight a real war that wages behind the scenes for control of our minds and our souls....the only war, the hardest!! Our weapons for fighting are written in Ephesians ch 6. When i write this I teach myself new things and I think others too. Peace n God Bless! Desperate for faith in faithless times...it's difficult.

gotta make some changes

2006-02-16T02:25:00.000-05:00

Gosh I want my sanity back, my heart, my health, my friends, family, and everything that I took for granted when I was younger. Nothing in life is more important than what we've been blessed with and so often take for granted in our youth. What I mean by I want them back is that I want meaning and selflessness and mercy and compassion. I wan't to make a difference even if it's small and seems insignificant. I'm so selfish and proud, so afraid to ask for help to let people know what an emotional and insecure basketcase I have been all these years. Always so proud, could never show any signs of weakness. Afterall, within a shallow mind brokenness and weakness are not attractive or coveted characteristics. Who would ever respect me or desire to have me if I showed any sign of weakness or failure, I guess not the next shallow mind? But all these years later the pain has soared to a new height, reached a new depth. Despair has followed along and for what reason? I ask what I've done wrong, is this a punishment, have I lost my salvation, have I just lost my mind, or is this a large trial that ultimately I'm going to learn from and grow from? I pray and hope for the latter. When faced with the pain I sink into addiction, not a typical addiction that most are familiar with, but an addiction to self, solitude, and online video games. It had reached a point that my roommate and bestfriend decided that living together wasnt the best thing nemore. Now, at 27 years old, I'm contemplating the future and temporarily moving home to get by bearings. It's a humble situation and I've got no choices at the moment cause I'm unemployed. I'm trying to accept it as best as I can without feeling like a complete loser and failure, but thats just what this shallow world wants me to think; sometimes life takes a wild turn and we're not ready. Sometimes we don't learn from mistakes and have to relearn old lessons over and over again. Sometimes growth is so slow we never reach the end, atleast not in this life. OCD, scrupulosity, depression, anxiety, ADD, have recently become my diagnosed mental problems that I still struggle to accept on a daily basis. One day at a time, meds are OK....God still loves me, theres got to be hope for a sinner like me. In Jesus name, Amen!

avoidance

2006-02-16T00:50:00.000-05:00

well,i noticed today how much my ocd has to do with avoidance.i was in the bookstore the other day, and obssessivly looking at all the subjects.if i saw a book on witchcraft, id be like 'i have a curse on me now',so id have to find a better book to look at.its the same with cd's.if i read the words of smashing pumpkins album'meloncholy and the infinite sadness'for example,my ocd may say'you are now stuck in melancholy and infintite sadness'.
tonight,i was listening to trent resnor of NIN singing'help me,i'm broke upon the insides'lyric ,and at the same time i was organising my wallet.i was moving a list of 'helpful' numbers i have ,'and matched it up as a coincidence with the song lyrics.then my ocd said something bad will happen and ill have to use those help numbers.then if somethig bad does happen it just reinforces the ocd as being true.
but what i have learned is to say its just the negative ocd thought attaching itself to a coincidence and it isn't reality.its just the habit of finding coincidences and attaching negative meaning to them.i do this like 40 times a day sometimes.so ill be ruminating on different things daily,forgeting the incidents
of the past,but still storing them in my head for future reference.that is,the coincidences i remember.its like hauling around a sack of baggage that can be triggered at any time.
so i spend much of my time hyperviglantly trying to avoid things,but of course ,this is impossible.it is basically just a need to overprotect myself from harm.and i think i can avoid it ,but its just life.all we can do is to do our best to be responsible.realize that the negative thoughts, and trying to avoid things is just a hypervigilant habit.anal retentive i think they call it lol.pz jeff

Appointment with the Psychiatrist

2006-02-14T22:33:00.000-05:00

Well today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. She said why did I stop taking the Wellbutrin and I told her I don't want to be on all these meds. I'm still taking zoloft 200mg and ativan 2-3 mg a day. But my head is broken. I can barely deal in an environment that is virtually stress free. What happens when I have to go to work and have to care for myself. I'm pathetic, I live with my parents and everything is paid for me. I don't work I just go to school. I feel like I had to work I would be sicker than I am now. I can't take any pressure it just makes me feel worse. The anxiety creeps up more and more. I'm not lazy just scared. I don't want to be this way this thought and the event behind it make me ill. My psychiatrist said she won't treat me anymore unless I get a psychologist that does formal cognitative behavioral therapy and the Beck institute. I'll try to set up an appoinment there or someone trained from there. I need to get better I feel sick inside everyday I feel like my life will never get back together. Help me o Lord. I never meant for those thoughts that happened that day and the coincidence behind it is so unsettling to the mind. Complaining doesn't help I just do it for no reason. I hate myself and I hate my life. Life should be good but bc of the mental stress my head conjures up I can't enjoy my life to the degree of a normal individual. "Normal" what is normal. My psychiatrist said the thoughts I have are abnormal and I agree with her but who is normal in this f*ked up world. Life is a joke i never want to come back, that is my biggest fear. COming back for all eternity as a retarted girl or as even the queen of england. This place is not heaven thats for sure. Life sucks no matter what way you look at it but while we're here we got to make the best of each situation and the cards that are dealt us each way. Well I hope I can inspire someone and not discourage people with my words. Sorry for being so negative lately I'm just lost and have been lost for years. I'm trying to find peace of mind and G-d but it is no easy task. Take care to you all PZ and luv ~ PureO

24/7 ocd

2006-02-14T00:27:00.000-05:00

im posting at the same time as pureo and my ocd is telling me i will turn into him.because we are doing it at the same time.but this is typical of my[possession]fear.i had alot of ocd today.first i bought a chair at 11:11 am.then i realized i had four dollar bills in my hand 11+11.so i was freaked out to buy the chair.then when i came home to put it together ,i was afraid of putting it together on a rug that used to be owned by a gay man.[no offense].my ocd said i would slowly turn gay if i put the whole chair together on the rug.i did it anyhow,avoiding any ritual.
i saw my therapist today and he sais that i had to see that my thoughts werent realistic.they are just ocd thoughts i have stored up in my brain.if i can get enough objectivity,i can barely see they are not true.i havent turned into anyone yet,cause its not possible[magical thinking]but im still very scared as i type this.
but the formula goes something lke this. [ocd thought][coicidence][final verdict].i know that may not make sense to some of you.bt it is a pattern of the pure-o phenomena.pz jeff.o i just had an abandonment fear.i wrote 24/7 as my post title.then when i got on to talk with pure o,he said he was going to bed real fast and signed off[abandonment].what do you know,it said 24 on his auto-response[he likes the show 24].i was already thinking that i hope nothing came up 24 when i started this post,and sure enough it did.see i had an ocd thought,then a coincidence,then the final verdict that im doomed.hope that helps a bit .

I wish...

2006-02-14T00:26:00.000-05:00

I wish the past was erased. I wish I could start anew. I wish the Lord knows I am sorry for my past actions. I have gone astray and I feel like I can't be forgiven. A coincidence happened to me and I feel like my life is over. I feel like im gonna come back over and over again for all eternity in my own hell... I need to think positive. The world is a beautiful place and the fact that there is any beauty means G-d is not evil, but man still is. I just wish G-d can forgive me for the sins i committed and the ones I will commit in the future. Although i thought my fate was already determined I know deep down inside I can still fight and make a new fate, at least that is all I have to survive. I want to be close to G-d when I die. Thats all I yearn for. I just wish this pain in my head would go away. I'm 21 years old and I don't want to throw this life away bc of a fake thought. Its so hard to overcome when a coincidence reinforces you to think you really deserve the punishment for eternity bc my head wasn't straight for years and I always thought about punishment for myself from 11th grade till now. The worst moment in 12th grade is the hardest to shake off. Its been almost 3 years and I think about the same thought about me becoming a retarted girl for my next infinite lives in the same time period which i know sounds insane. Why did she have to walk by as I said I was gonna be her. Why did she walk up to me the next period in lunch. So insignificant to the normal person but I'm sick and made an event out of nothing. Just wish that never happened and maybe I would be mentally sound today. Instead I have sounds in my mind that are loud noises. Telling me I'm doomed and the anxiety gives me headaches all day. Just gotta have faith I can overcome this and acquire more faith in G-d and become a better person out of all of this. PZ and luv to u all ~PureO

one thought

2006-02-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

upon waking this morning i was thinking how one thought could ruin a mans life.i can only think of christianity and how the thought of god or jesus can do it.or allah or any other god.then you realize that these are all virtuous thoughts designed to HELP and not hinder the souls progress.so the bad thoughts are all just some form of deception.other than grief,which we are to work through and come back to the light.just a thought lol pz j

drowning pool

2006-02-09T18:51:00.000-05:00

im just so fed up.i went back to school and im hanging out with all these intellectual fu#kers ,trying to follow the sh#t their obsessing over with compulsive deep thinking and i feel lost.i cant keep withdrawing from classes.i need the money i get from my gi bill,loans ,and grants too.so i have a choice of two hells,one of suffering endlessly in school,and the other of suffering endlessly on SSD.i honestly dont see how people are making it in this society,especially us with a brain disorder.here we are trying to figure out some complex trick our mind is laying on us and at the same time trying to learn intellectual crap.then we are to turn to god.another concept we probably have screwed up.im sorry,just upset tonight.must be the geodon lol.gotta blame something,right?pz j

my therapist

2006-02-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

i talked with my therapist today.hes a cool guy,but cool guys dont get rid of ocd-cause ive been hanging around cool guys all my life lol.i told him my compulsive matching up of things,hypervigilantly,and how the ocd thoughts always put a sick spin on them.the pattern is [match something up][fear of bad fate][loss of identity].he goes with the scientific process of reasoning things out.i have not had bad things happen,and have to the best of my knowledge not turned into someone.this is all [magical thinking].the problem is that once we get into the realm of magical thinking,its no longer scientific.it becomes spiritual.it becomes intuition and whatnot.i explained how coincidence seems to validate a preconceived ocd thought.science says its merely happenstance,but the spiritual tries to attach meaning to it.so in order to overcome the ocd i have to apply reason and happenstance vs. my magical thinking.this seems to go against my instincts,obviously because i have ocd.but it does make sense.and i did notice movies and hollywood influence my thoughts of the possibility of souls exchanging.movies like the exorcist and the exorcism of emily rose hint at this stuff.and the denzel washington movie 'fallen' hints of a spirit entity moving through people by touch.so i get much of the magical thinking from the movies,as far as validation is concerned.the key is to realize our thoughts are often in some sort of synchronicity with outside influences.
for example ,a song ended i was listening to that said'a hard rain is gonna fall'.this coincided with my thinking of the title of the denzel washington movie,'fallen'.i thought it was strange and had ,and am having,a panicky feeling,like theres some connection.but it is just happenstance that occurs all the time.it brings on me a [fear of bad fate].sometimes if its a person the[loss of identity]will be the fear.
oh well enough trying to explain.it turns into incoherence very quickly.but if just a few sentences ring true with pue-o ocders its worth it.pz for now j

I'm suffering endlessly

2006-02-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

My head is throbbing the pain is unbearable. Why can't I just forget this stupid thought. I need to be hypnotized or something. This can not go on. Its been almost 3 years since the coincidence happened and its still fresh in my memory like it happened yesterday. It is so disruptive in my everyday life. I go to school then I feel sick and have to sleep as soon as I come home. In school all I can think of is when is the day gonna be over so I can go back home and rest bc when I'm up all I do is worry worry worry. I know its futile to worry but I just can't help it. I'm a sick son of a bitch. I need some relief I need to just get away from all this drama. I don't really have good days anymore, everyday is torture. I need a break from all this self torture. I need to just let things go but it's so hard when you feel like there was really something to that day that will determine your eternal fate. I know it can't be true but it really puts doubts in my mind. That doubt is killing me. I just wish I was a stronger person and could get through this and move on with my life. I know I can't do this for much longer or my life is going to just get worse and worse. This is so unfair I wish this never happened to me life is bullshit. Life is unfair and it doesn't even care. It will chew you and spit you out and you didn't even do anything wrong. I just wish the pain in my head would go away but it can't until the anxiety goes away and I haven't gotten rid of it in years. I wish my life was back to the way it used to be. I used to enjoy waking up in the morning, I used to enjoy food, now it tastes bitter to me and I only eat to live. Maybe this will turn around someday but right now I'm digging a hole deeper and deeper in my own despair. Maybe I'll watch the superbowl and forget about my troubles that don't really exist but in my own mind. I just can't control the thoughts because I was shell shocked from the coincidence. My OCD is out of control its like I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the coincident but War Veterans get that and not normal people I don't think. But I just keep getting flashbacks of the same incident over and over in my mind its a living hell.
Sorry for venting about nothing I'm just so confused right now...Pz to you all PureO

weird

2006-02-05T05:12:00.000-05:00

hello all!all 200 and so people that have checked out the site.god bless you.hey,i was writing to a friend i met online and he has ocd.he told me to watch opera once as advise and im like'oh,yeah,opera is gunna help my ocd'lol.then my girlfriend had a dream that said to tell me to watch dr. phil.i was like,thats weird,but just ignored it.now,while searching google i find an article on dr. phil and him doing brain scans.i wrote to the guy that does them,told him i was on disability and medicare,and ask if there was any way he could do a scan on me,god willing.i will tell pureo about the site and see if we can get it up on our website to share with you all.
i have a bad headache right now so i will post more later pz jeff

Also just checkin in

2006-01-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

I don't know where Im headed. This thought is an addiction an obsession a burden that is ruining my life. There are sometimes where I feel a glimpse of hope but the coincidence hits me so hard I crawl up in a ball and want to die. I don't know how much more of this I can take but I am not gonna stop fighting. Life is a struggle for some people for others it is more of a struggle. I am one of those who is consumed by negative thoughts of the past. I can only realize I'm not so evil that I deserve eternal punishment and I made up a situation in my head with crazy coincidences. All I know is the world can play tricks on you when your mind tempts you. Just wish I could go back that day and not tempt the idea of eternity. But it may be for the good someday I just don't know how yet. School is a little rough with the thoughts but I think I can do okay and I'm concerned about the stress this causes my mind and body. I have faith that G-d is all just and all merciful I am too hard on myself I made up the thought and the coincidence felt like a corroboration of some sort but when i think about it what would be the point of it. It would ruin my free will that is why I know it can't be true even though i sometimes believe it bc im sick. Hope everyone else is doin okay with their struggles. Life will get better we just need to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Pz and luv PureO

checking in

2006-01-25T08:24:00.000-05:00

hey all-just checking in.ive had a tough week.back to school and the history and philosophy at the senior level is so much intellectual bullshit i cant stand it.it feels like its above my head.
i also thought i turned into this kind of intellectual guy cause i said mental illness when i shook his hand at an aa meeting.now im torn between not wanting to be him[magical thinking],and trying to be intellectual in my classes.its pure hell.i just go through my day dreading what i have to do.
scripture seems to help sometimes ,but still doesnt stop the ruminating.it really sucks when my ocd is so identity based.i talked with my counselor about all my stringing along coincidences and all the negative thoughts that go along with them.we just say to reexamine the thought and realize its not true,but its hard when your brain is screaming its true!ive been taking all my meds as prescribed,but still havent had the breakthrough.i need to max out on geodon ,but havent gotten there yet.all the psychiatrist are treating this geodon like its the second coming.geodon pens,notepaper,clocks,all over the office lol.i feel like im at a bar with guinnes beer advertisments all over the place.pz j

Nothing is real in a fallen world

2006-01-23T07:48:00.000-05:00

The significance we give to things because of superstitious beliefs, fears, paranoias, but mostly fears is what fuel the type of obsessive thinking that the medical field calls OCD. It begins not with a chemical imbalance but with a choice to think in a way where we're always analyzing coincidences and situations based on a "Could this be my fate" possibility. Our type of thinking generates and is fueled when we try to determine our own fate through circumstances, situations, and coincidences. If that were the case, than all we are doing is playing God, and not letting what Gods word says about us determine our self worth. Jesus loves failures, He came into the world to save sinners as the Great physician. When the "religious" leaders (the pharisees) of the old testament law asked Jesus why He sat and ate with sinners, Jesus responded (and im paraphrasing) "for the Son of Man has not come into the world to cure the healthy, but to cure the sick." In essence what Jesus is saying is that He came as God's sinless son into the world to save sinners by dying for them. He sat with sinners because He loved them and wanted them to know the truth, and He would eventually be the sacrifce for their sin and the sins of the world. So our thinking isnt based on truth...and OCD isnt to blame either. I think we should evaluate ourselves and the type of thinking we allow our minds to go through. Stop connecting things and trying to determine your fate. Let the word of God, which is truth, determine what your mind wants to contradict. Otherwise, your just gonna keep telling yourself stupid things and you'll never be "Free to shrug off the thoughts that associate themselves to a mental disease called OCD." Thoughts dont determine reality even if they match up in someway because of 1000 coincidences. Our reality is fallen just like our thinking. Reality doesnt determine anything because the world is in a fallen state, so there is no truth anywhere apart from God's Word (the Bible). Love and God bless , Colby

perfectionism

2006-01-22T12:16:00.000-05:00

ocd has been associated with perfectionism.there was a book published'why does everything have to be perfect'understanding obsessive compulsive disorder.i always thought,naw, thats not me.i wasnt a neat freak or anything.but then i noticed everything had to be perfect in an unperfect way.a few clothes laying around.a little dirt in the tub.knowing where things were even though things appeared messy.
anyway ,last night i knew i was trying to be perfect.while writing my return address on an envelope ,for some reason,after writing thousands of them in the past,i wrote my state on the line below my city.where i usually just put the zip code.this baffled me.why, after so many times ,did i do this this time.was it the theme of incredible odds driving me crazy.as it has done to many of us.how could something so small and insignificant drive me to such loathing of bad fate to come?how could this thought become so large in my mind?why did i feel such a cumpulsion to scratch it out and write it on the proper line.[undoing ritual].after all,my ocd tells me the undoing ritual is invalid cause the event already took place.[final verdict].all i can attribute this to is perfectionism.my mind just wont accept an aberrition.its not me ,its the ocd. lol pz jeff

back to school

2006-01-16T17:58:00.000-05:00

hello all-im going back to school tommorrow.im mainly going for the money.the additional cach i get from going.it helps to live on more than just a social secrurity check.i was just loking at some of my papers from last semester and im in way over my head.im at the senior level of philosophy studies and its like a different language to me.i really took most of my studies in philosophy back in the late 80's.so all the terminology is way over my head at this level.i dont have an understanding of the philosophers.i wish i did.like mention aistotle and know his work like i would know a football team or something.it is going to cause great stress.i just hope the teachers teach and dont make us use the new computer classroom stuff.its like taking computers at the same time.ive done it [webct] its called.but i forget it and also powerpoint presentations and such.only god will see me through.i should be ok in the history class cause its usually standard but full of information.and with my severe ocd i am working a sick philosophy of my own that i wish not to.sure,its good to keep busy,but that interferes with relationships,[and causes isolation]cause i literally have to lock myself in the bathroom and read the deep stuff.i pray i can keep my relationship with my girl going while im going through it.pz j

It's all in our heads (the evil inclination)

2006-01-15T16:05:00.000-05:00

The evil inclination is portrayed as "a great king" on account of its numerous forces, followers, and legions. That great king encompasses all of man's affairs, both public and private. It creates multitudes of evil images, evil thoughts, and shameful incidents in which the evil inclination tries to put man to death. One can be wise and still succumb to the evil king. But a little truth overcomes much falsehood, juas as a little light dispels much darkness. The evil bow low before the good (Mishlei 14:19) The first point on which the evil inclination will raise doubt in your mind about which it will try to convince you that the Creator is not all Merciful and All Knowing and Just. When it despairs of raising doubts in your mind about this matter it will try to entangle various forms of associating G-d. If you comprehend who and what the Creator is through the knowledge he has bestowed upon us with the Prophet's Scriptures and the Bible all these doubts will leave you. When the evil inclination gives up hope of overcoming us in this fashion it will use anything else to try to sway you. Any foe when you defeat him once or twice will leave you alone and give up the idea of attacking you. Aware of your superior strenth, he loses hope of ever defeating and overpowering you. The evil inclination however will not leave you alone after one or even a hundred defeats regardless of whether you defeat it or it defeats you. For if it defeats you, it will utterly destroy you, and you defeat it once it will lie and wait for you all your life in oder to subdue you. It does not consider the smallest of your affairs as too insignificant a means of overcoming you. Its chief intent is to make truth out of falsehood; its main purpose is to uphold untruth. And you have the power to overcome it with wisdom and truth every time it tries to bring you down.

punch my head please!!

2006-01-15T07:50:00.000-05:00

Soz im sitting at my computer typing this at 4:42 am cause my sleep schedule is all jacked up. I can't stop thinking about what I might be doing wrong and what to do right in order to fix all that I've fuxed up. Soz I sleep to try calm my friggin mind. Church tonight, I want to go, but don't want to experience again the things that have kept me distant in first place. You know, the overwhelming feelings that arise from the scrupulous mind set. This world and it's issues....lol i mean my issues and me. I'm sick of always analyzing my motives for everything trying to figure it all out all the time. Constantly thinking, feeling like crap, knowing that I shouldn't but doing it anyways then feeling like crap about it the next day. Guess this is the struggle with my flesh daily, I don't want to give up. So today i bought a computer and put it together and feel like dirt because of the way that it creates an addictive lifestyle at times for me or a way to escape. Sometimes I think I use all this as an excuse to escape and not address the real problems. Maybe thats true, it just seems like the escape is possible and the solution that creates the reason is impossible. Im babbling on. Please someone, punch my head to halt my thoughts. Much love, pz ...vixnyqyl. LOL

2006-01-14T13:43:00.000-05:00