paralysis

hello all.i think ive never been quite as paralized as i was today.well i have been, but it just seems that way.my ocd took advantage of a game that i play.as you know i have all kinds of negative thoughts concerning the number 44.well,this time it was the number 45.i ordered a new keyboard for my computer and when i hung up the phone,i said i bet its 44 after the hour.it was 45 after,and immediatly my negative ocd thinking kicked in.it said i would be a success from here on out,rather than doomed.now,this was different from the past.a new fear of success rose up in me.i became obsessed with everything going right after i got the new keyboard.i know how dumb it sounds,but the fear of success/failure theme became overwhelming.it reminds me of when i was younger and would challenge my instincts and go against them on purpose,just to see what would happen.i am just screwed up.i pray this passes,without getting into a long discussion of christianity.j