a day of death

hello all.sorry to be taking up the whole blog.today was perhaps one of my worst in my ocd history. i was typing a paper and had gotten to the end pretty much in the clear.no crazy circumstances but a few words on the radio matching up with words i was typing.then i got to THE END. as i was 'perfectly'following the procedure for writing a website for a bibliography page IT HAPPENED. I wrote the date as my final thing,and sure enough,they were going over that days dates history events on the radio.now,i know all this radio stuff sounds schizophrenic.Like this guys hearing things and messages the radio is sending out to him.wearing aluminum foil on his head and such. lol.but this is where the psychiatrists just dont 'get it'.for those of us matching up coincidences,they are not delusions.i know perfectly sanely that i typed the date the same time they were going over 'today in history'.that was no delusion.the delusion is the ocd fears that go along with the coincidence.i had the[doom fear]that from this date all would be bad fate.i had the fear that all the papers i write from now on will suck.but to break it down into pop-psychology,it is a [fear of abandonment].of being cut off.by people.i looked to people for reassurance.But the one thing i was afraid of most is being shut off from God.Being shut off from God is the definition of being in hell.i went about my days business,doing laundry and shopping at the dollar store.trying to do the little things one does to manage their life.
But today was different,i felt like people could see the evil demon ocd haunting me.my eyes felt bugged out.i was very sensitive to everything going on.Laughter,someone whistling,a kid popping bubble gum.It all seemed directed towards me. i was very serious, while people were hamming it up.my heart began to ache.i felt totally alone in the world.it was one of those days where the slightest gesture of kindness meant so much.I FELT LIKE I WAS DEAD.Im not being melodramatic.this is truly how i felt.I felt like a hole had been shot through my heart,only today i couldnt shake it off.My face was drooping,I was sweating in line at k-mart.i felt like i wanted to kill somebody.not literally,for all you whitecoats out there.
i went over my dad's.i was feeling as low as when i was detoxing from alcohol six years ago.I told him how i felt.he was sympathetic.then he asked me to hook up his DVD.Haaaaahaaaahaaaaahaaaaa!!!!!I'm dying and i have to muster up the energy to put his DVD together!it wasn't hard .except for the usual pain in the ass stuff people don't get unless the've been there.like crawling around the floor and manuvering through endless wires.I thought,how ironic,multitasking while i feel like crying.but it did feel good to help someone.well,thats all i got.may you overcome all your fears.j

somebody reach out

hello all-we've had 411 visitors!!i am appealing to you all who read and are afraid to post a comment.you know in your heart if you have this type of ocd.please just comment and give us some feedback.thanks!!
well,like alcoholism,all that we can do is pray and keep our spirits up sometimes.every day.i have been trying to pin down my fears and i have about 20 recurring ones with ocd.last night i had one i couldn't pin down.i was typing a paper and couldn't continue,i had hit the wall.then i heard on the radio an ad for st.patrick's day and it said"hey patty,lets go to some bar"or something.i was like damn thats my girlfriends name.and that drop of the heart occured.its like my ocd saw a big ,fat fastball,right over the plate, to hit out of the ballpark.i have been devestated by this.i know it sounds so small,but my ocd is magnifying everything.i guess the fog i was in had to deal with a[failure or success of a relationship]i was in fear, or it was a[doom fear].my doom fear can be very heavy and leave me walking around in shock.
i went out for a little shopping and my speedway points came up 1444.[number 44 fear].i was like damn this friggin number is not leaving me alone.it doesnt bother me that much now ,but combined with the other doom fear,i just cant take all the fear.i think what gets me is not just one incident but having several on my mind almost all the time.ah,well,i feel better now.god bless all in overcoming your fears. j