Tuesday, November 28, 2006

saner scrupulosity

well today i went through an old deal i picked up from going to church.while passing the book section at the store i looked right at the word witch on a book.this started off catastrophic thinking for me,because it was not until church that i thought witches had power and harry potter could influence kids into sorcery and all that crap.but my magical thinkng and church didnt mix.it made me worse.more superstitious and avoidant of evil things that are really harmless.j

Sunday, September 24, 2006

off meds

hello all.i am just learning to make decisions for myself.ive gone along with the doctors for 11 years.ive decided that i wont take anymore anti-psychotics from now on.they do not work for my pureo ocd.i would rather just live out my life without any side effects.i will continue to take zoloft and clonazapam for depression and anxiety.but the anti-psychotics just make me feel weird,and now that im avoiding any coincidence, ill just have to work them out naturally.i can recognize my ocd repetitive thoughts now, so ill just turn them over to god.they will linger,some for life maybe,but anti-psycotics arent for me.thank god for anti-anxiety pills.
i think i can trace everything back to magical thinking.this is a great thing to remember,the tremendous blow superstition can have on a person.it will leave you paralized.i want no more of it.j

Friday, September 22, 2006

you were drawing coincidences,i was drawing parallels

these are the lyrics in a goo goo dolls song i dug.im looking at this form of ocd like its a mathematical problem we have cause probability,fate and chance play such a role in the magical thinking.
for example,when i thought i turned into someone like the guy in my last post,it was all based around coincidence.even parallels, when i didnt want to be even with him as i was throwing my cup out.so coincidences and parallels play a part in thinking ocd.it also shows itself when people have to tap one side of and object as evenly as the other.symmetry.thats mathematical isnt it?
anyway, i missed school two days due to sleep deprivation caused by stress.then i thought i turned into another guy last night due to more of the same coincidental thinking.i made it to school today,so my ocd said see you were that guy for two days cause you missed school the same two days you thought you were him.it made me want to miss school today,just so i could prove the theory wrong.its not even backed up by any thought out reasoning,because i think the kid had a good attendance record.he was in another class of mine and had good attendance.
so ive been stuck on this mental problem the last 3 days.its like a math problem in my head,only with chance.j

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

repulsion

hey all.ive noticed alot of ocd is based around repulsion.not wanting to turn into someone else is just that i am repulsed by that person in some way.then if i add coincidences to it it makes it worse,as in pureo's case.
today i was in the library and thought i saw this guy who is nerdy.i didnt think anything of it until i gabbed my coffee cup and saw him take a drink from his.then my ocd said i will be him from now on.i even had a problem throwing the cup away, because i didnt want it to match up evenly where he was sitting.i play endless magical thinking games like this with my ocd.the end result is loosing myself to someone else, or some kind of condemnation,whether it be to another person or just for eternity.so ill purposely not act nerdy for awhile.act real cool.lol.i think im beyond that now that im so sick.
anyway,thats how all my magical thinking got started when i was in 8 th grade.i was repulsed by a guy in band and my ocd said i would turn into him.something happened at 44 minutes after the hour and ive been avoiding the number ever since.
so next time you have an incident,check and see if repulsion has anything to do with it.j

Sunday, August 27, 2006

scrupulosity

i have found that scrupulosity is not just religious.it can be very scrupulous avoidance of something bad.our ocd minds can pick out various things to be scrupulous about.for example,if one gets obsessed with their hair they can scrupulously comb it,wash it,ect.it just becomes ocd when magical thinking is involved.[if i dont brush my hair to the left, catastrophy will occur].otherwise people are just considered obsessive and compulsive,not having ocd.having ocd is when these things leave one paralized in fear,unable to let go.i start school tommorrow and need to let go of much ocd thinking to make it through.prayer seems to be the only way to get through the day.j

Omega-3

Take omega-3 with after eating protein it may help do not take it before or it will just flush right out of ur system. My mri came out clean guess i'm just anxious all the time which is causing the headaches. I'm at a lost for words right now hopefully someone or something can fill the void.

Monday, August 21, 2006

gratitude

hey all you bloggers.its amazing weve kept this blog going,i guess it pays to be so sick. lol.i thought id write a little on gratitude,since i dont have enough of it.i had to humble myself even more this passed week by applying for section 8 housing.i guess i was alright by receiving disability payments,but once i applied for section 8 i bottomed out.i should be so grateful for the assistance,but my pride still gets in the way.i am grateful for the assitance,and believe that we all are humbled by our disability,whatever it may be.its a game of cat and mouse,on one hand acting as if your ok and striving to do your best,and the other hand knowing the horror of ocd.im keeping a journal to keep things in perspective.one day itll bother me and another it wont to be on disability.i know most people say just be glad for the help,but i like so many others fall into the trap of trying to be self-reliant and self-made men/women.with it so easy to feel sorry for oneself and hate having a disability,gratitude is hard to come by.j

Friday, August 18, 2006

paralysis

hello all.i think ive never been quite as paralized as i was today.well i have been, but it just seems that way.my ocd took advantage of a game that i play.as you know i have all kinds of negative thoughts concerning the number 44.well,this time it was the number 45.i ordered a new keyboard for my computer and when i hung up the phone,i said i bet its 44 after the hour.it was 45 after,and immediatly my negative ocd thinking kicked in.it said i would be a success from here on out,rather than doomed.now,this was different from the past.a new fear of success rose up in me.i became obsessed with everything going right after i got the new keyboard.i know how dumb it sounds,but the fear of success/failure theme became overwhelming.it reminds me of when i was younger and would challenge my instincts and go against them on purpose,just to see what would happen.i am just screwed up.i pray this passes,without getting into a long discussion of christianity.j